Tuesday, July 25, 2006

"F Word" To Be Taxed By Government

Washington, D.C. - Secretary of the Treasury Henry M. Paulson, Jr. announced today that the government was working with congress to institute a tax on the "F word." Paulson said, "While we are against taxes as a matter of principle, we are wholeheartedly in support of this new tax on one of the most profane expletives used. Furthermore, this tax will bring in desperately needed revenue while also helping to cleanse our obscenity laced society of these horrible utterances. In fact, our initial estimates predict that this new tax will bring in 14 billion dollars a year to the treasury."

When questioned how it would be possible to collect taxes on the use of a word, Paulson replied "We don't anticipate too many problems in collecting revenues from this new tax. We are coordinating our efforts with the NSA and they will let us know who is using the F word during phone conversations and on their computers for emails and messaging. We will also be instituting a special eyes and ears reward program where neighbors and friends will be financially rewarded for reporting any F word usage they come in contact with. All in all, I think we've got the bases covered pretty well."

Experts say that this new tax is expected to hit bloggers and college students especially hard since they are among the most ardent users of the F word. In fact, several well known bloggers have said they will shut down their sites if they are not allowed to use the F word. Said one top-rated blogger who wished to remain anonymous "F*** this s***! How the f*** am I supposed to f***ing communicate to my f***ing readers if I can't use f***? It's a f***ing disgrace."

In response to these criticisms and to help bloggers, college students and others who do not wish to pay the new tax on the F word, the Treasury department released a list of suitable words that can be used without taxation. They include, fudge, fiddlesticks, feck, fock and fluck.

Support in congress for this new tax is said to be bipartisan and it is expected to pass within the next two weeks.


Anonymous catherine said...

and "frell" (shout out to "Farscape."

Thanks for your hysterical rants.

7:36 AM  
Blogger Cranky Daze said...

I would suggest that it would be more simple to install coin operated tax collectors in each American home. These machines would be equipped with a highly sensitive recording device specially designed to react to the "F" word. In this way, each time a family member feels the need to use the F word, a quarter could be dropped into the Tax Collector and a ticket would be issued by the machine permitting a one time use of the taxable word or words. I use the plural there because this is such a great idea, I think it should be expanded to include other words or phrases. For example, four quarters dropped into the Tax Collector might allow one to use the words "George Bush," and "Impeach" in the same sentence. Five quarters would permit the use of the words "Cheney," and "M*****-F*****." The possibilities are endless.

Ankle bracelets designed to detect unauthorized F words should be required for trips outside the home, and could be coordinated with the in-home Tax Collectors for convenience. Specially trained human IRS agents could be assigned to empty the Tax Collectors on a quarterly basis, and the machines would issue a summary of revenues collected to compare with the number of offensive words used.

As far as bloggers are concerned, robot computers could scan blogs, and monthly statements sent out. Severe penalties should be provided for bloggers who ignore their Obscenity Tax bills. I would suggest several years residency at Gitmo as an appropriate punishment...and maybe especially innovative penalties for the worst offenders like a requirement that they remove all clothing and submit to being arranged or stacked in interesting designs with other bloggers who are particularly stubborn.

The Tax Collector must be programmed to determine whether or not a child under the age of 12 years is within hearing distance, in which case it would issue a denial of permission to use the offensive words. Violation of that denial must result in execution without trial, and no namby-pamby lethal injections should be allowed. Beheading while the cameras roll is the only fitting punishment for a crime so heinous as this.

I see nothing but positive results by enacting this wonderfully well thought out method of increasing federal coffers and protecting our sensitive ears at the same time. The person, or persons, who thought up this great idea should be rewarded. I suggest they be given a choice between 10,000 tax-exempt F words, or $10,000,000 in tax exempt cash. Obscenity Taxes leveled at certain politicians promise to be a windfall and the rewards given the creator(s) of this law could be paid from those funds.

12:44 PM  
Anonymous Pinko said...

The New York Times:

Senate Passes "F Word" Tax Bill

The Senate today passed its version of the new "F Word" tax bill. In the Senate version, all usage of a common expletive will be taxed. The House has begun debating its own version of the bill. The House version is far more expansive that the Senate bill adding the terms "abort*on", "same s*x mar*iage" and "il*egal im*igrant" as also being taxable. Currently, House debate concerns whether the use of the word "Liber*l" should be taxable only, or whether the entire estate of the executed user should be forfeited to the Federal Treasury.

4:49 PM  
Blogger The Xsociate said...

When questioned why other expletives were not included in the bill, one anonymous source inside the White House is quoted as saying "F*** if I know."

5:20 AM  
Blogger FaulknA said...

I'm unemployed, I blog and I use the "F" word now and then. How the f@!k am I supposed to pay for them?

2:39 PM  
Blogger teachingirl said...

You, Virt, are f-in hysterical!

12:35 PM  
Blogger arlene said...

Seems to me this is too close for comfort. I spent my labor day weekend re-reading George Orwell's 1984. For all you pups in bloggersland who were't required to read this book in lit class, I STRONGLY urge you to read it. Orwell was a genius, and the book is as pertinent today as it was then, only the year is off...not 1984, but 2008? 2006? 2014? we are damned close. Rush, don't stroll, to your nearest library and read that book. And while you are at it, another GREAT spin on dictator/tyranncail and oligarchic rule is Walter Mosely's FUTURELAND...sadly, these two books are becoming less fiction every day. Glad to see so many young folk who are AWARE....

a sad boomer..

1:30 AM  

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