Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Microsoft's New Operating System Records Brain Waves Of Users

Redmond, Washington - Windows Vista, Microsoft's new operating system which is scheduled for release early next year, is already causing a great deal of controversy because of a very unusual feature that allows Vista to record the brain waves of users as they work on their computers. Implementation of this revolutionary technology is the primary reason why the release of Windows Vista has been repeatedly delayed. However, scientists at Microsoft are now confident they have worked out the bugs and initial beta tests have produced positive results. This unique feature is called the "Neural Collector" although Microsoft technicians have nicknamed it the "brain sucker" because of its extraordinary ability to gather the thoughts and general neural activity of Vista users.

By design, the Neural Collector functions automatically and is completely transparent to the user. Upon startup, Windows Vista will activate a series of electromagnetic sensors that will establish a connection with the cerebrum of the user. Once a stable connection is verified, brain waves will be collected and recorded. This raw neural information will then be sent to Microsoft's central data collection center where it will be deciphered and analyzed for later use.

Many civil libertarians are alarmed at the pervasive nature of this new technology and have called it an unprecedented breach of individual privacy rights that will allow Microsoft to gain access to the most intimate thoughts of computer users. Microsoft, in reply, says it is simply a neat new feature that will allow it to adjust its marketing to suit the needs of each individual. Bill Gates, Chairman of Microsoft Corporation, said "I don't know what all the commotion is about. Privacy is just a seven letter word."

As explained in the user's purchase agreement for Windows Vista, all recorded brain waves are the sole property of Microsoft Corporation.


Blogger The Xsociate said...

Microsoft refused to confirm or deny rumors that early test subjects for the Neural Collector technology where killed when their heads exploded, similar to the effects in the cult classic Scanners.

2:24 AM  
Blogger FaulknA said...

Microsoft dismissed claims that the technology can be used to control computer users who are exposed to it and also claim that it cannot be hacked. Vista is already on sale in China via pirated copies and so far these claims seem to hold true.

6:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is an urband legend...

4:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA This is a hoax

7:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA This is a hoax


7:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

journalist with too much free time?

4:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

bwahahahaaaa :D this is good;)

12:05 PM  

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