Mississippi River Becomes Ronald Reagan River

Washington, D.C. - After years of intense lobbying by supporters of former President Ronald Reagan, Congress today passed a bill that officially changes the name of the Mississippi River to the Ronald Reagan River.

This historic action is, to date, the most impressive achievement of the Ronald Reagan Project which has overseen the renaming of airports, monuments and natural wonders in every state of the union in order to honor the man they consider to be the greatest leader the world has ever known.

However, not everyone is pleased with the passage of this bill. School administrators and teachers say that the new law mandates that money now being used for school lunches and heating will have to be redirected for the purchase of new books, maps and atlases that have the updated name changes. Alicia Harding, a teacher in Chicago said, "I guess taking food out of the mouths of poor little children for the benefit of a dead rich white guy is a fitting tribute for Ronald Reagan after all." Laurence Reginald Reynolds, of the Reynold's aluminum fortune and acting head of the Ronald Reagan Project, dismissed criticism of the bill by saying, "These kids need to learn that there is no such thing as a free lunch. You've got to start young and work hard. Why, by the time I was 21, I was already a vice president at Reynolds Aluminum."

What's next for the Ronald Reagan Project? Only time will tell, but word is they've got their eyes set on Mount Rushmore, the ten dollar bill, and the American flag.