Friday, August 18, 2006

Pharmaceutical Giants Reach Agreement With Drug Overlords

Whitehouse Station, New Jersey - A conglomeration of the nation's largest pharmaceutical companies today announced that they have formally reached agreement with the world's leading drug overlords on a lucrative distribution deal that they say will streamline operations and maximize profits.

Through this contractual arrangement with the major drug cartels, Merck, Pfizer, GlaxoSmithKline and Lilly ICOS will now have access to a whole new sales channel and will be able to expand their distribution network to the street level. Orin Philpot, vice president of Pfizer, said "These drug cartels get a lot of bad publicity but what people don't realize is that they are very good businessmen. They have set up a distribution network that is superior to the standard pharmacy approach in almost every way. With this agreement, we now have access to their extensive network of dealers who are experts in the art of one-on-one retail and are able to reach large numbers of people in their communities. Without a doubt, this is going to be very good for our profits and will definitely please our shareholders."

For their part, the global drug cartels will now be able to expand their product offerings beyond the usual limited selection of cocaine and heroin to include such drugs as Viagra, Xanax, and Celebrex. This will improve their image and dramatically increase revenue.

Reaction to the announcement has been overwhelmingly favorable with Forbes Magazine calling it the perfect deal and the Wall Street Journal hailing the leaders of the pharmaceutical industry as visionary.


Blogger FaulknA said...

Thanks for pointing out that there is no difference in these two entities. They're both criminal enterprises bent upon making a profit and both benefit from government intervention. I hope my feelings on this subject are clear.

12:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Makes sense. I mean, they both push dangerous, mind-altering drugs.

2:02 PM  
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