President Bush Creates Department of Faith

Washington, D.C. - President George W. Bush, in a quiet ceremony in the Oval Office, today signed an executive order that creates a new government agency called the Department of Faith. Selected to head the Department of Faith is Vice President Dick Cheney's wife, Lynn Cheney, who will now carry the title, Secretary of Faith, which is a cabinet level position. Witnessing the signing of this important document were some of the president's closest supporters in the faith-based community including Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and James Dobson.

The purpose of the Department of Faith, as outlined in the executive order, is to oversee the banning of scientific thought and analysis from all other government agencies while putting in place a new policy that favors faith-based reasoning. The immediate effect of this action will be felt in almost every department and office of the federal government. For example, the National Park Service will no longer rely on geological evidence to explain the effects of erosion in creating canyons and other natural wonders. Instead, all educational materials will now emphasize the Book of Genesis which describes the origin of the Earth and how God's wrath in the Great Flood during Noah's time was responsible for the formation of the Grand Canyon as well as other scenic parks. In fact, a booklet detailing this creationist view is already available in many of the nation's parks.

The effect on the Justice Department will also be substantial. From this point on, Old Testament Law will be the guiding principle in all decisions and stoning will replace electrocution and lethal injections as the exclusive means of execution in the country. Furthermore, adultery, homosexuality and idolatry will be added to the federal criminal code and will also be punishable by stoning.

And, in a move that is expected to save billions of dollars, the Department of Health and Human Services will cut back on most commonly accepted medical treatments and replace them with the age old and biblically accepted methods of water immersion and bleeding to rid the body of evil humours which many religious authorities believe are responsible for the majority of ailments and diseases that afflict Americans.

On Capital Hill, most members of Congress enthusiastically embraced these policy changes with some describing it as a means to "rejuvenate America's spirituality for the Third Awakening." Speaking on the steps of the Capital Building, Senator Rick Santorum said, "We have had to suffer fools and blasphemers like Copernicus and Galileo for far too long. Ptolemy got it right. We are the center of the universe and now the time has come to take back our country and rescue it from the scientists and empirical thinkers who have hijacked it to pursue their agenda of rational thought."