White House: Parts Of Constitution Written In Invisible Ink

Washington, D.C. - The White House announced today that many of the controversial policies and decisions made by the Bush administration are based on sections of the United States Constitution that are written in invisible ink. This surprising statement was meant to allay fears that the President had overstepped his authority by his use of signing statements, the sanctioning of torture on prisoners and the wholesale spying on innocent Americans without probable cause.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said "the authority for the President of the United States to use any power he deems necessary in his role as Commander in Chief is explicitly cited in the Constitution. The relevant paragraphs granting this authority have been overlooked for over two-hundred years because they were written in invisible ink by Thomas Jefferson who did not want them to be seen by enemies of the Republic. However, thanks to special glasses manufactured by Diebold Incorporated, members of the Justice Department who have the necessary security clearance, can now view the Constitution in its entirety which is how we reached our decision that President Bush has unlimited and unfettered power."

Gonzalez continued "However, because Diebold holds proprietary rights to these special viewing glasses their use is restricted to only President Bush, Vice President Cheney, myself and a few aids. Therefore, these sections of the Constitution will remain secret and classified."