ABC Gets Out Of News Business

New York, New York - The Walt Disney Company, corporate parent of ABC television, announced today that ABC will no longer be involved in news gathering, programming or reporting. As a consequence of this decision, ABC immediately laid off its entire news staff, including Charlie Gibson, who anchored ABC's World News Tonight. In place of news, ABC will be exclusively broadcasting docudramas that use the real names of actual people and places but are completely fabricated and have no bearing on factual events. This action is a direct result of the favorable feedback Disney has received from the Bush administration and the Republican Congress over its docudrama The Path to 9/11.

Commenting on this latest move, Robert A. Iger, President and Chief Executive Officer of The Walt Disney Company, said "News is a losing proposition for ABC and Disney. We can make much more money with docudramas and we don't have to send anyone to any exotic location to do it. We just put some writers in a room and they make up the stuff."

Iger also announced that Karl Rove will be in charge of selecting writers and producers for all of ABC's new docudramas. Said Iger, "Disney has decided to partner with the Republican party because it just makes good business sense. They keep the FCC and SEC off of our backs and in return they get the kind of programming they prefer. I know that some people may think this is unethical but all I can say is our shareholders are pleased as punch and, in the end, that's all I care about."

ABC's latest docudrama How Bush Won the Medal of Honor in Vietnam will be airing in November.