Friday, October 06, 2006

Speaker Hastert Claims He Was Molested By Bill Clinton

Washington, D.C. - In a very strange development, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert is now saying that several years ago he was molested by then President Bill Clinton and that post traumatic stress disorder from that event is the reason he reacted so slowly in dealing with the Mark Foley scandal. Hastert further stated that he believes that the entire Republican leadership as well as Representative Mark Foley were also molested by Bill Clinton which he says explains why the episode with the congressional pages happened in the first place.

Said Hastert, "At first, I repressed the abuse I suffered from Bill Clinton. Then, in the last day or so, it came back to me all at once. My therapist called it memory recovery and said it is common when someone is subconsciously hiding something that traumatized them a long time ago. As I thought about it more and more over the last 24 hours I realized that this whole matter of Representative Foley's sexual misconduct and the lack of response by the Republican leadership is actually a Democratic scandal that is Bill Clinton's fault. If Bill Clinton hadn't molested me, Mark Foley and the entire Republican leadership none of this would have happened."

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has contacted former independent counsel Ken Starr and instructed him to reopen his investigation of Bill Clinton in order to pave the way for the prosecution of the former president.

11 Comments:

Blogger Eyes of the World said...

did he swallow? and how did he define "molested"? just curious, that's all ...

4:15 AM  
Anonymous KnickKnack said...

Republicans are taught from birth to blame Clinton. It's all they know.

9:17 AM  
Anonymous Dr. Matt said...

Blame Clinton, it's easier than thinking.

9:37 AM  
Anonymous enemy of the people said...

Finally, someone has figured this whole mess out.

Pass the salt...

10:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How can you guys keep accurately predicting the future like that?

1:18 PM  
Anonymous pinko said...

Nixon wouldn't have had that whole Watergate misunderstanding either if he hadn't been molested by Truman.

1:33 PM  
Anonymous Democracy4U2 said...

Now how long before ABC cranks out a "docudrama" entitled "Path to Foleygate"? Is there enough time before the elections?

8:46 PM  
Blogger MistahCharley said...

In Clinton's defense, he was molested by the polymorphously perverse JFK during his teen trip to Washington (see the famous handshake photo at http://tinyurl.com/qdv7z) - the trauma of this event led to role-reversal repetition compulsion with Monica Lewinsky, with the consequences we are all familiar with.

3:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What was that Hastert said? The buck stops... WHERE?

5:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's awful! Cinton must be stopped. What ashame!

7:08 PM  
Blogger dusty said...

oh
my
fucking
god..

protect us from Bill Clinton. ;p

I blogrolled you guys..

10:23 PM  

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