Speaker Hastert Claims He Was Molested By Bill Clinton

Washington, D.C. - In a very strange development, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert is now saying that several years ago he was molested by then President Bill Clinton and that post traumatic stress disorder from that event is the reason he reacted so slowly in dealing with the Mark Foley scandal. Hastert further stated that he believes that the entire Republican leadership as well as Representative Mark Foley were also molested by Bill Clinton which he says explains why the episode with the congressional pages happened in the first place.

Said Hastert, "At first, I repressed the abuse I suffered from Bill Clinton. Then, in the last day or so, it came back to me all at once. My therapist called it memory recovery and said it is common when someone is subconsciously hiding something that traumatized them a long time ago. As I thought about it more and more over the last 24 hours I realized that this whole matter of Representative Foley's sexual misconduct and the lack of response by the Republican leadership is actually a Democratic scandal that is Bill Clinton's fault. If Bill Clinton hadn't molested me, Mark Foley and the entire Republican leadership none of this would have happened."

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has contacted former independent counsel Ken Starr and instructed him to reopen his investigation of Bill Clinton in order to pave the way for the prosecution of the former president.