Thursday, October 05, 2006

Pages Declared Enemy Combatants & Sent To Guantanamo

Washington, D.C. - In a last ditch effort to save the Republican Party from losing one or both houses of Congress, President Bush today signed an executive order declaring that all congressional pages who had contact with Representative Mark Foley were operating against the welfare of the United States and are therefore to be designated as Enemy Combatants. Shortly after this declaration was released, agents from the Department of Homeland Security detained all pages who fit this description and transferred them to Guantanamo for interrogation.

Weighing in on this controversy several hours later, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said, "Now that this issue involving inappropriate conduct between the pages and the Republican leadership has become a matter of national security, all documents, memos and e-mails are hereby classified as top secret and will not be available to the public or investigators. I am also instructing the Speaker of the House that it is in the best interests of the country that there be no more comments from him or any other Republican members of Congress on this issue. As far as we are concerned, we have removed the threat these pages presented to the security of America and now the matter is closed."

Following the President's declaration and the statement from the Attorney General, Fox News ran a special program featuring Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Ann Coulter. The program was called Satan's Pages Defeated By God's President, A True Story and it highlighted the heroic attempts by the Bush administration to keep the country safe from the renegade congressional pages who flouted their sexuality in an attempt to subvert the safety of the American people by disrupting the work of Congress. The program included several new songs by Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith.

In an unrelated development, Karl Rove was seen talking with representatives of the Diebold Corporation.

8 Comments:

Blogger The Xsociate said...

I guess they'll be the appetizers for the main course.

2:01 AM  
Anonymous RangeRider said...

This is most excellent "reporting". Right on Virt.

9:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ABC will add more lurid, factual, details on 10/12/06. It will be ignored because Speaker Hastert became President Hastert after both G W Bush & R B Cheney resigned on 10/11/06, fled to Venezuala, applied for & were granted political ass-ylum by President Chavez.

6:05 PM  
Anonymous Torttillian said...

Seems like life is starting to imitate satire. Just when you think Bush & Co. can't possibly get any more radical and outrageous they do. Someone commented here that Rove probably comes to the site to take notes. Heaven help us all.

6:58 PM  
Anonymous hourglass said...

brilliant, again

8:12 PM  
Anonymous pinko said...

President Bush said, "There are some who say that the pages shouldn't be sent to Guantanamo and that America has made terrorists worse by being in Iraq. But the pages were already in Congress on 9/11 when we were attacked. Some people think we should forget that. But I can't forget that because it's my job to keep you safe and that's what I'm going to do."

In an unrelated incident a man was arrested in his hopital bed today by the Secret Service. The man had looked out the window as Vice President Cheney's motorcade was passing by. A day after the motorcade had passed, the man was arrested by the Secret Service, handcuffed, and removed from the hospital on charges that he had assaulted the Vice President.

10:14 PM  
Anonymous enemy of the people said...

good one, pinko.

That reminds me of the terrible retribution our drill instructors would wreak on us in Marine boot camp if we dared sneak a glance at them. i guess ol' squinteye imagines himself on of those tyrannical creatures...

10:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First pages then what?

Chapters?
Verse?
The Dictionary!

5:30 AM  

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