Pages Declared Enemy Combatants & Sent To Guantanamo

Washington, D.C. - In a last ditch effort to save the Republican Party from losing one or both houses of Congress, President Bush today signed an executive order declaring that all congressional pages who had contact with Representative Mark Foley were operating against the welfare of the United States and are therefore to be designated as Enemy Combatants. Shortly after this declaration was released, agents from the Department of Homeland Security detained all pages who fit this description and transferred them to Guantanamo for interrogation.

Weighing in on this controversy several hours later, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said, "Now that this issue involving inappropriate conduct between the pages and the Republican leadership has become a matter of national security, all documents, memos and e-mails are hereby classified as top secret and will not be available to the public or investigators. I am also instructing the Speaker of the House that it is in the best interests of the country that there be no more comments from him or any other Republican members of Congress on this issue. As far as we are concerned, we have removed the threat these pages presented to the security of America and now the matter is closed."

Following the President's declaration and the statement from the Attorney General, Fox News ran a special program featuring Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Ann Coulter. The program was called Satan's Pages Defeated By God's President, A True Story and it highlighted the heroic attempts by the Bush administration to keep the country safe from the renegade congressional pages who flouted their sexuality in an attempt to subvert the safety of the American people by disrupting the work of Congress. The program included several new songs by Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith.

In an unrelated development, Karl Rove was seen talking with representatives of the Diebold Corporation.