Thursday, November 16, 2006

Adulterer Interviews Murderer For Immoral Media Mogul

New York, New York - In a desperate attempt to boost their falling ratings, Fox News has scheduled an interview with OJ Simpson in which he discusses his new book which describes in gruesome detail how he killed his ex-wife and her friend. That is, if he actually did kill them which he denies (wink, wink, nod, nod). The book is published by a subsidiary of News Corp which also owns Fox News.

Interviewing Simpson will be Judith Regan who is no stranger to controversy. In fact, after publishing a book by the infamous drug addict Rush Limbaugh, Ms. Regan, was allegedly discovered to have engaged in an adulterous affair with a shady character involved in criminal activity.

Judith Regan has denied these accusations but did say that if she committed adultery with the ethically challenged Bernie Kerik it would have happened like this, "It would have occurred shortly after 9/11 in New York City. Bernie and I would have gone to a luxury suite that was set up so the people working at ground zero could get a chance to get some sleep and relax after long shifts in the still burning debris. Of course, the workers would never get to use it because Bernie and I would have kept it for ourselves. Once there, we would strip off our clothes and then Bernie would cover me with dog food. Usually it was Alpo's beef liver stew but occasionally he would use Rival's chicken chunks and gravy. Then I would bark like a dog while Bernie walked on his hands and legs and ate the dog food off of my ripe and willing body. That is, if it happened, which it didn't (wink, wink, nod, nod)."

Rupert Murdoch of News Corp is hoping that this sensational exploitation of a vicious murder will pump some fresh blood into the moribund corpse of Fox News so that, along with OJ Simpson and Judith Regan, he and the shareholders of News Corp can benefit from the horrible deaths of two innocent people. Said Murdoch, "What good is a heinous double homicide if someone can't make some money from it?"


Anonymous pinko said...

from Publisher's Weekly:

Public figures are getting on the bandwagon following the publication of OJ Simpson's new book "If I Did It". "If I Did It," the sequel to the wildly successful "If You're Happy And You Know It Stamp Them Ugly-Ass Shoes," details the circumstances of crimes that Mr. Simpson has sworn under oath he knows absolutely positively nothing about.

As a tie-in, the estate of Johnnie Cochran has released "If The Glove Doesn't Fit, We're Outta Here."

Other "If" books in the pipeline:

Trent Lott, recently elected Senate Minority whip has co-authored a book with Jeff Foxworthy entitled, "You Might Be A Racist If...."

The senior citizens center of Dachau, Bavaria has published a collective memoir, "If Only We Had Known."

Vice President Dick Cheney has a contract with Field and Stream for, "If It Walks Like A Quail And Talks Like A Quail and Looks Like A Quail, Pull The Trigger. But Don't Tell Anybody."

Bill Clinton has followed up "My Life" with a book concentrating on his time in the Oval Office, "If I Did Have Sex With That Woman."

Rupert Murdoch of NewsCorp is co-authoring a book with the heirs of Dr. Seuss, "If I Ran The (Media) Circus."

9:35 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can't we figure out a way to blame this on Bill Clinton?

6:45 PM  
Blogger jurassicpork said...

Absolutely. Surely we can find a way to tie Bill Clinton's Clenis to this.

6:38 PM  
Anonymous me said...

Damn, this is good stuff. Whoever wrote it should be on tv in prime time.

3:35 PM  
Blogger Shaman said...

Tuesday, November 21, 2006
OJ: How I Would Have Assassinated JFK If I Had Done It

In a startlingdevelopment, am insider at the publishers of OJ Simpson's hypothetical tell-allabout how he murdered his wife and her friend has disclosed ON CONDITIONOF ANONYMITY that Simpson has produced a second book describing how he couldhave assassinated U.S. President John F. Kennedy in Dallas in 1963.

According to the hypothetical account, Simpson, who was 16 years oldat the time of Kennedy's assassination, had been converted into a sort ofJohn Malvo-like young black man taking orders from a shadowy figure who mayhave been from the CIA or just as likely from the Nation of Islam. Accordingto the publishing house insider, speaking ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY, Simpsonwas taken to the grassy knoll where he lay in the grass and aimed the fatalshots that killed the president. Simpson was told that he'd get JacquelineKennedy in compensation for his crime, and he writes that he was devastatedwhen the former first lady married Aristotle Onassis instead.

According to quotes purported to have been taken from the forthcoming bookand which have been made available ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY, OJ ponderswhether his deep sense of betrayal by Jacqueline Kennedy may have formedthe basis for his hatred of all "White Bitches", as he writes, that culminatedin his hypothetical murder of Nicole Simpson.

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5:10 PM  

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