Thursday, December 28, 2006

McDonald's To Offer Bypass Surgery With Big Macs

Oak Brook, Illinois - In an effort to combine a profitable business strategy with a socially conscious corporate image, McDonald's today launched one of the most innovative promotions in the history of corporate America. Starting in two weeks, McDonald's will be offering free coronary bypass surgery to its best customers. This novel promotional offer is called the "McCoronary Bypass Special."

The McCoronary Bypass Special is as simple as it is unique. With each purchase of a Big Mac, McFries or Chicken McNuggets the customer will receive one unit of a special McDonald's currency called McCoronary Bypass Bucks or as they are known at MickyD's, MBBs. When the customer amasses 2,000 MBBs they will be able to redeem them for a free coronary bypass operation at special surgical centers setup throughout the nation. The number for redemption is based on research by health experts hired by McDonald's who found that, for the average customer, coronary bypass surgery becomes necessary at or around the point they have consumed 2,000 Big Macs, McFries or Chicken McNuggets.

Ralph Alvarez, President and Chief Operating Officer of McDonald's Corporation, in proudly announcing this new promotion, said "The McCoronary Bypass Special will help to keep McDonald's customers alive for another ten years or so. We estimate that this will enable us to sell many more billions of Big Macs, McFries and Chicken McNuggets. In the end, this is good for the shareholders and the consumers."

Inside sources at McDonald's have told Assimilated Press that the next promotion coming from the fast food giant will be "McFunerals" which will feature free burials in specially manufactured styrofoam caskets for lifelong customers.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Shasta Blue said...

This is LOL hysterical!

10:26 AM  
Anonymous pinko said...

NY Times, December 29, 2006:
NYC To Ban Trans Fats and Others

Recently, the New York City Health Department notified all restaurants within the five boroughs that they would have until July 1, 2007 to phase out the use of trans fats in the food they serve.
According to Dr. John Tucker of the NYC Health Dept, "Fats are bad for you, but trans fats are even worse. It's artificial; frankly, "trans" anything is probably bad for you."
Mayor Bloomberg concurs and as of January 31, 2007 the city will be phasing out the use of trans. All transatlantic flights from Kennedy Airport will be gounded, hospitals will close to avoid transmitted diseases, and official translators at the United Nations will need to apply for a special exemption visa.
The Center for Transcendental Meditation has said through a spokesman that the center will relocate immediately to New Jersey before public transportation is cut off. The American Psychiatric Association has cautioned the city that it may be very difficult for some New Yorkers to avoid transference, particularly mentally ill transients. According to a press release from the You Go, Girl! agency, the transvestite community is supportive of the city's actions.
The Rev. Msgr. Joseph O'Meara has indicated that St. Patrick's Cathedral has contacted the Vatican for guidance from His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI regarding transubstantiation.

4:13 PM  
Anonymous X. Ninnis said...

Pinko, brilliant job.
I've located an e-mail address for Dr. Tucker and am sending him a copy.
I just wish I had some way of getting copies to his
supervisor(s), colleagues,friends and family, he deserves the ridcule for speaking such silliness.

12:43 AM  

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