McDonald's To Offer Bypass Surgery With Big Macs

Oak Brook, Illinois - In an effort to combine a profitable business strategy with a socially conscious corporate image, McDonald's today launched one of the most innovative promotions in the history of corporate America. Starting in two weeks, McDonald's will be offering free coronary bypass surgery to its best customers. This novel promotional offer is called the "McCoronary Bypass Special."

The McCoronary Bypass Special is as simple as it is unique. With each purchase of a Big Mac, McFries or Chicken McNuggets the customer will receive one unit of a special McDonald's currency called McCoronary Bypass Bucks or as they are known at MickyD's, MBBs. When the customer amasses 2,000 MBBs they will be able to redeem them for a free coronary bypass operation at special surgical centers setup throughout the nation. The number for redemption is based on research by health experts hired by McDonald's who found that, for the average customer, coronary bypass surgery becomes necessary at or around the point they have consumed 2,000 Big Macs, McFries or Chicken McNuggets.

Ralph Alvarez, President and Chief Operating Officer of McDonald's Corporation, in proudly announcing this new promotion, said "The McCoronary Bypass Special will help to keep McDonald's customers alive for another ten years or so. We estimate that this will enable us to sell many more billions of Big Macs, McFries and Chicken McNuggets. In the end, this is good for the shareholders and the consumers."

Inside sources at McDonald's have told Assimilated Press that the next promotion coming from the fast food giant will be "McFunerals" which will feature free burials in specially manufactured styrofoam caskets for lifelong customers.