Iraq Study Group Sent To Guantanamo By Bush

Washington, D.C. - Upon receiving the Iraq Study Group's report, President Bush flew into a blind rage and ordered that the entire ten member bipartisan panel be sent immediately to Guantanamo for re-education. The Office of Internal Vigilance operating from within the Department of Homeland Security carried out the president's instructions despite a last minute call from the presidents father, George Herbert Walker Bush, who pleaded with his son not to take this action. According to close aides who witnessed the confrontation, the president said to his father before hanging up, "Stay out of my face, old man. I don't need your damn advice. I'm twice the man you are."

Assimilated Press was also told by sources from within the White House that the President was especially angry with James Baker who he called "A traitor and a self-serving weasel." However, Bush did express confidence that, after a little waterboarding and some non-lethal beatings, the Iraq Study Group would see fit to issue a new report in which they would wholeheartedly support the present Bush policy of maintaining status quo until Iraq becomes the next administration's problem.

Speaking to friends shortly before he was detained and transferred to Guantanamo, former Secret of State James Baker admitted that the Iraq Study Group Report was a deeply flawed political document that did little more than state the obvious fact that the war in Iraq has been an unmitigated strategic disaster for America. He was also particularly pained that he was put in the middle of a battle of wills between the 41st and 43rd presidents or as he called it, "Torn between two Bushes." Still, in the end, Baker felt certain that the report provided enough fig leafs to go around and that the Saudis would be pleased with his work.