Starting January 1 The Iraq War Never Happened
Washington, D.C. - In a stunning turnabout meant to nullify the loss of the Iraq War and restore American prestige, President Bush has decided to adapt a brilliant new strategy developed by the same neoconservatives who first advocated the invasion of Iraq. The authors of the plan, who include Vice President Dick Cheney, say that it is simple, easy to accomplish and revolves around one central tenet, a new beginning.
Effective at 2:00 a.m. local time on January 1, 2007 the United States will implement what will henceforth be known as Iraq Saving Time. On that date, all residents of the United States will be required to set their calendars back four years to January 1, 2003, more than two months before the start of the Iraq War.
On the first day of Iraq Saving Time, President Bush will address the nation to say that he is pouring more troops into Afghanistan to make certain that Osama Bin Laden is captured and that the Taliban are completely defeated thus ensuring that Afghanistan becomes a secure and stable country. The President will also state that UN weapons inspectors in Iraq are doing a thorough job at keeping Saddam Hussein in check and that there will be no invasion of Iraq since Iraq has nothing to do with the war on terror.
As a result of the new Iraq Saving Time, the Democratic takeover of Congress will also be nullified, President Bush's approval ratings will return to stratospheric levels and Pluto will still be a planet. However, the price of gas will remain at present levels and Vice President Dick Cheney will still shoot his friend in the face.