Monday, February 19, 2007

Administration Releases New National Intelligence Estimate

Washington, D.C. - The Administration today released its latest National Intelligence Estimate (NIE). In this latest estimate, the administration ball parked the national intelligence of the American people as 70-90, or "borderline to below average."

"We can sell them a war with Iran," said one senior administration official, "The names Iraq and Iran vary by only one letter, and that's at the end. Most Americans won't even notice the difference."

Despite a lack of verification by military commanders in the field, Administration and Pentagon officials have been displaying and discussing munitions they claim were recovered in Iraq that they also claim are of Iranian origin.

"Ooh, look what we have here," said one anonymous Pentagon officer during a briefing for reporters. "It's shiny, isn't it? It's made of metal, and it is very, very shiny and it's very, very special. Does anybody know where this comes from? No? Well, it's from a country called Iran. Can you say 'Iran'?"

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko


Anonymous Ericka said...

70-90, wasn't Forrest Gump measured at 75? Oh well, that explains the success of Fox News.

2:09 AM  
Blogger Shaman said...

Dear Virt, I would have sent this directly to you, but your site doesn't provide for contact. This release appeared on the site ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY.
K-Fed's Semen for Sale

The new boutique industry has sprung up, created when Britney Spears shaved her head and offered the hair for sale. The daughter of a salon owner in L.A. claims she swept up some of Spears's hair and is taking bids on EBay. A collector claims to have received an offer of one of Paris Hilton's toenail clippings.

According to a highly placed talent agent at the prestigious William Morris Agency, speaking ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY, Kevin Federline is now seeking bids for a dollop of his jissom that he claims he recovered from Spears's vagina after intercourse. In a related story, a cleaning woman from a West Hollywood motel has offered a bedsheet on EBay purported to be stained with Federline's semen. The cleaning woman, an illegal immigrant from El Salvador, is making the offer through an intermediary. "We've got a certificate stating that the semen is a DNA match to Federline," the intermediary said.

The Wm Morris talent agent sees a whole new market opening up. "We've been approached for scabs from Brad Pitt's abrasions and the contents of one of the adolescent actor Macaulay Culkin's zits," said the agent, speaking ON CONDITION OF ANONYMITY. "Knowing that Paris Hilton shaves her snatch, many potential buyers are asking for pubic hairs. Hilton is considering offering the curly keepsakes one at a time for a flat fee of $25,000 per hair."

"What will we see next," a reporter wondered, "requests for snot knocked from Sylvester Stallone's nose by Apollo Creed?" "We've had three offers already," said the agent, "with one bid of $50,000."

2:42 PM  
Anonymous Mountain Man said...

Do you think Americans have ever been more ignorant and/or more crude and vulgar than they are now?

11:34 AM  

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