Thursday, February 08, 2007

2 Out Of 3 Americans Suffer From High Self-Esteem

Atlanta, Georgia - The Center for Disease Control (CDC) today released findings that confirm that two in three Americans suffer from delusional high self-esteem. “This is a sobering fact in America, and it can lead to many problems for our society" said Dr. Milton Ostrowsky, chief psychiatrist of the center.

The condition is known as Stassen Syndrome, named for Harold Stassen the perennial Republican presidential candidate who unsuccessfully sought his party’s nomination nine times from 1948 through 1992. Stassen Syndrome appears to be cyclical, with the most severe manifestations more likely to occur every four years in even-numbered years. While scientists are uncertain why attacks of self-delusional high self-esteem occur during these times more than others, the most commonly accepted theories in the medical community tie the increase in self-deluding grandiose self-esteem to gravitational pull from Mars and other alien influences from far out in left field of deep space.

Stassen Syndrome is a terrible affliction. When in the throes of Stassen Syndrome a person fully believes he or she, although men far outnumber women among sufferers, is capable of things that reality would indicate are ridiculous. For example, over ten people are currently vying for the Democratic nomination as presidential candidates, with approximately twelve Republicans looking for their party’s nod as well. These numbers do not take into account any candidates from third parties, such as the Green Party, The Socialist Party, The American Nazi Party, The Vegetarian Party and even smaller and more obscure political organizations.

“Yet,” said Dr. Ostrowsky, “each and every single one of these people firmly believes that he or she is not only capable of being president, but believes without a trace of doubt that they are the best of the bunch, indeed, the very best the entire country has to offer. It would be laughable if it weren’t so very sad.”

As heartbreaking as Stassen Syndrome is, even more tragic is Stassen Syndrome by Proxy. In Stassen by Proxy someone else, a father, for example or a wife, persuades a man that he would make the best leader in the world and urges him on to increasingly absurd positions. (Interestingly, medical literature is devoid of any mention of Stassen by Proxy involving a woman preyed upon by manipulative relations in this way. Women exhibiting Stassen Syndrome strongly display all the signs and symptoms of self-motivating self-delusional high-esteem.)

In the most famous case of Stassen by Proxy a man, known in medical literature only as W, was persuaded by his parents that he was destined to be president. W, who up until then had been content to cut brush on his ranch and bankrupt businesses, went on to become extremely delusional, insisting that God had anointed him for the presidency. In another instance a man known only by the alias “quail” was persuaded by an ambitious wife to seek high office despite an extreme lack of qualifications and mental facility.

“Unfortunately, we are seeing an increase in both Stassen Syndrome and Stassen by Proxy in society as a whole”, said Dr. Ostrowsky, “Not only are more unqualified, inept people running for president than ever before, there is also an increase of completely untalented people who firmly believe they will be the next American Idol. It’s an epidemic.”

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko

1 Comments:

Anonymous DolphinSpeaks said...

More than 2 out of 3 people randomly selected off of the street would be better qualified than Bush or Cheney for the White House.

1:30 AM  

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