White House Outsources Outrage

Washington, D.C. - Consistent with the Bush administration's emphasis on the benefits of the free marketplace over government action, Assimilated Press has confirmed that outrage, along with several other emotions, has been outsourced to private contractors.

Per a senior administration official, outrage has been outsourced to a company in India. The Mumbai firm will handle all outrage regarding the Scooter Libby trial revelations and deplorable conditions at army hospitals for the White House. An affiliated firm, in Bangalore, will handle impatience at the slow pace of New Orleans revitalization.

A Hong Kong company is handling sincere regret regarding the invasion of Iraq. Shanghai won the contract for baffled bewilderment at the conduct of Vice President Cheney, while a company in Malaysia is handling genuinely honest apology, deep contrition and a sense of shame.

A small start-up in Australia was awarded the contract for sleepless nights beset by anguish at causing great suffering. Rage at mismanagement, ineptitude and lies is being handled by a consortium in the Netherlands.

According to the same administration official, outsourcing all valid emotions regarding current conditions in America will free administration staff to cut brush, ride bikes, exercise and get on with their lives.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko