Mary Cheney Says "Bill Clinton Is My Baby's Daddy"

Reston, Virginia - A tearful Mary Cheney, daughter of Vice President Cheney and an avowed lesbian, announced today that she is pregnant with former president Bill Clinton's child.

"I saw what happened to Dannielyn after Anna Nicole died, with everybody fighting over that poor little baby and no one knowing who the father is," said Ms. Cheney, "and I thought 'If anything happens to me, that could be my child."

"I know how hard it is to be gay in this society and I want my child to have an easier life," explained Ms. Cheney. "I'm gay and I worried that if the father might be gay too this child would never have a chance for a normal life, a Republican life. Choosing anyone from the Christian Coalition or the Republican National Committee to be the father was just too big a risk."

"You can say what you want about Bill Clinton," added Ms. Cheney with a shrug, "But God knows that man is straight."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko