Wounded GI Attacked By Yellow Ribbons

Washington, D.C. - Private First Class John Tucker, an out-patient at Walter Reed Medical Center, was in stable condition yesterday after being attacked by masses of magnetized bumper stickers.

According to bystanders, hundreds of magnets in the shape of yellow ribbons, each bearing the words "Support Our Troops," flew off the bumpers of SUVs and Hummers and struck the soldier. The incident occurred as Private Tucker was passing by the parking lot of the National Heritage Foundation.

Doctors at Walter Reed said that in addition to attending to Private Tucker's new wounds, they will redouble their efforts to schedule him for surgery to remove the shrapnel he received in Iraq.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko