Aspirins For The Sick & Blankets For The Dead

Washington, D.C. - President Bush and several leading Republican members of Congress today unveiled the President's new health care legislation which they say is both compassionate and fiscally sound. Crafted under the guidance of the Heritage Foundation, this plan was formulated to provide a minimum level of coverage for the tens of millions of Americans who can not afford health insurance and end up in hospital emergency rooms or without treatment.

As described by proponents, the plan is very simple and only entails two elements. The first is free aspirin for the sick. The second is free blankets to cover the dead who succumb to their disease or injury. In explaining the benefits of the legislation, acting Surgeon General Kenneth P. Moritsugu said "Aspirin is a very effective treatment for fevers, minor pains and muscle aches. By providing this wonder drug free of charge to all uninsured Americans we will be guaranteeing that, no matter what they are suffering from, they will have a certain degree of comfort. Of course, this will not be much help to those suffering from more severe ailments such as broken bones, heart disease or cancer, but with the war in Iraq and budget constraints the way they are, this is the best we can do."

President Bush, adding to the comments of the acting Surgeon General said, "We Americans are a compassionate people. We don't want to see bodies lyin' in the streets exposed for everyone to stare at. That is why we are providing free blankets to cover the dead so they can be treated with some dignity until they are picked up for disposal by local sanitation crews."

Free aspirins for the sick and blankets for the dead will be available to the uninsured at most post offices and libraries once the legislation is passed by Congress and signed into law by the President.