Al Qaeda Tours Pennsylvania On Way To Boston

Scranton, Pennsylvania - A troop of al Qaeda operatives are marching en masse through the Keystone State. Troop Commander Abdul Abdullah explained their presence at a rest area outside of Wilkes-Barre.

"When Rick Santorum was Pennsylvania's senator he said that America would not be safe unless he was able to keep his seat in the 2006 midterm elections," said Commander Abdullah. "Even though the average American can't find Iraq on a map, it's a well-known fact that we terrorists have always based our strategy on the outcome of Pennsylvanian elections. With Santorum out of the way we knew there was nothing standing between us and total domination of the entire North American continent."

In addition to single-handedly protecting all of Western civilization, while in office Mr. Santorum championed massive tax cuts for the rich while opposing an increase in child-care funding for working mothers. After voting for tax cuts for those earning over $1,000,000 Mr. Santorum remarked on the child-care issue, saying "Making people struggle a little bit is not necessarily the worst thing."

Based on these credentials Mr. Santorum is now employed by the Ethics and Public Policy Center (EPPC) in Washington, DC. which applies "the Judeo-Christian moral tradition to critical issues of public policy." As Mr. Santorum specializes in assessing terrorist threats he now heads the Program to Protect America's Freedom and issues the Weekly Threat Roundup.

Commander Abdullah said his contingent was planning to march towards Boston because "It has the reputation of being a liberal city. As terrorists and enemies of America, anyplace there are liberals we are confident of receiving a warm welcome."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko