Bush Administration Seeking Hostages

McLean, Virginia - The CIA today announced that it has employment opportunities for hostages. "It is a wonderful way to get to see Iran, all expenses paid," said Marcia Funebre of the CIA press office. "We're looking for several hostages who can be captured while innocently trespassing in Iran to justify our going to war to free them."

Asked why hostages were needed, Ms. Funebre pointed out the reluctance of Iran to create a suitable international incident for a cassus belli. "We captured three of their guys in Iraq, but Iran just negotiated. Britain's navy went in, and Iran just negotiated. We have a complete battle armada going through unannounced naval maneuvers in the Persian Gulf, and Iran hasn't sent out one damn torpedo. It is very frustrating trying to start a war when the other party doesn't seem to really want to fight."

The CIA was asked what would they do if Iran simply released their hostages without harm, as they did with the British. Ms. Funebre assured this reporter that any American hostage supplied by the CIA to be captured in Iran would come to the appropriate amount of harm, documented in suitably inflammatory photographs. Asked again how the CIA could be sure of this, Ms. Funebre smiled and said "No comment."

According to the CIA job posting, hostage applicants should be photogenic, must be able to pass a drug test, have never been incarcerated, and have a history of volunteerism in their community. Clean and articulate are a must. Mothers who weep well on camera, cute kids and an attractive spouse preferred but will consider bachelors with sex appeal. Dogs who wait for them faithfully a definite plus.

Candidates must be able to travel, lift a dead body and survive a CIA black hole prison at a non-disclosed location. Guaranteed advancement to the afterlife during liberation activities.

Excellent survivor benefits including television appearances, meeting
the president, tabloid and book deals. No Liberals need apply.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko