President Bush Turns Gold Into Lead

Fort Knox, Kentucky - In a stunning display of reverse alchemy, President Bush today turned all of the gold in Fort Knox into lead. This astounding feat occurred when the President toured the giant precious metal repository in Kentucky accompanied by the White House press corps in an attempt to assure the country that America's financial future was secure.

The bizarre transformation seemed to be triggered during a carefully staged photo-op in front of a massive pile of gold ingots when Bush proudly proclaimed, "Because of me, America is more secure and respected than ever and you can bank on that because my word is as good as this gold you see behind me."

As soon as the President's last word was uttered, all of the gold in Fort Knox, including the pile stacked behind the President, quickly lost its glimmer and brilliant color until it turned a dull gray. Startled officials rushed to inspect the ingots and found that, contrary to natural law, they had all mysteriously turned into lead placing the fragile American economy in an even more precarious state.

Commenting on the extraordinary event, author Gore Vidal said, "I don't know why anyone would be surprised by the President turning gold into lead. After all, he has already turned peace into war, prosperity into debt, confidence into fear, joy into suffering and The Bill of Rights into a pile of manure. If anyone could turn gold into lead, it is George W. Bush."