Antonin Scalia Demands His Weight In Gold

Washington, D.C. - He doesn't come cheap but if you've got lots of money to spare and an issue before the Supreme Court you can get your very own Justice and increase your chances for a favorable outcome. Today, Antonin Scalia announced that his official purchase price for casting a vote in your favor is his weight in gold.

This bold move by Scalia breaks years of tradition. Previously, most judges and members of Congress met behind closed doors with their personal benefactors to negotiate a price for votes and legislation which was then quickly followed by cash payments or deposits in hidden Swiss bank accounts. This new openness by Justice Scalia was greeted positively by most members of the media who praised his candor and honesty.

Said Chris Matthews of MSNBC, "I just love this guy Scalia. He's my kind of man. I mean, he knows what price he can get for his votes and damnit, he goes out there and gets it. You've got to admire that kind of initiative."

In a moment of reflection after announcing his purchase price, Scalia said "You know, people sometimes think that I am just an ideologue and a hardcore right-wing Republican. That is true, of course, but part of being a modern Republican is knowing how to use your position to make money. Let this be a lesson to all you young college Republicans out there. If you work hard, put ideology above principle and are willing to crush everything that stands in your way, then someday you too may be able to sell yourself for your own weight in gold."

In a related development, Assimilated Press has learned that Scalia has told associates that he will not be going on a diet anytime soon.