Doctors Say Bill O'Reilly Rotting From Inside Out
Rochester, Minnesota - After an exhaustive series of tests on Fox News personality Bill O'Reilly, doctors from the Mayo Clinic have come to the conclusion that the talk show host is suffering from a severe case of internal rot caused by an unusual and extremely corrosive form of bile produced by his liver. There have only been two patients in the recorded history of medicine who have exhibited this symptom. The first was the infamous Vlad the impaler from Romania who was commonly referred to as Dracula. The second is Bill O'Reilly.
Commenting on this extremely rare malady, noted physician Dr. Tilden Johnson, said "I have never seen anything like this. His liver produces a form of bile that is more corrosive than sulphuric acid. It is eating his body from the inside out. It is shocking to see, like something from the movie Alien. Furthermore, the only option of treatment for this condition is a liver transplant and that is not available to Mr. O'Reilly because he suffers from a second condition that is also very serious. It seems his body is filled with a horribly devastating form of killer bacteria to which he is immune but which unfortunately is very fatal to everyone else and would surely cause any transplanted organ to fail."
This super powerful and deadly bacteria is concentrated in O'Reilly's saliva and it closely resembles the bacteria found in the saliva of the legendary Komodo Dragons which kill their prey by bacterial contamination. This has caused the doctors from the Mayo Clinic to issue a health warning for anyone who comes in contact with the right-wing talk show host. The warning reads, "Contact with Bill O'Reilly can be hazardous to your health. Any person who is contaminated with his saliva must seek immediate help and undergo intense antibiotic therapy."
Doctors first suspected that something was wrong with O'Reilly's internal chemistry when, during a recent incident, O'Reilly vomited on ultra-conservative author Ann Coulter who subsequently lost half of her face due to the toxic effects of O'Reilly's stomach contents.