Thursday, January 04, 2007

Fox News Switches to All-Clown Format In Ratings Gambit

New York, New York - In an increasingly desperate attempt to appeal to an ever dwindling audience, Fox News is set to introduce its latest gambit to attract viewers and increase its ratings. Starting tomorrow, Fox News on-air personalities will forsake suits and dresses and replace them with clown outfits.

Explaining this radical departure from normal decorum, Rupert Murdoch, head of Fox News parent company News Corp, said "When you are the captain of a sinking ship you do things that would have been unimaginable in better times. If putting Sean Hannity into big floppy shoes and a giant red nose while he sprays seltzer in his pants boosts our ratings than I've done my job and the shareholders are happy."

Assimilated Press has learned that part of the motivation for this dramatic change was due to research gleaned from internal focus groups that showed that average Americans had an extremely low opinion of Fox News personalities. Specifically, they found that Bill O'Reilly makes children cry. Sean Hannity gives people indigestion. Brit Hume makes viewers vomit, and Geraldo Rivera gives everyone the creeps. Fox News hopes that presenting them in clown outfits will soften their images and make them more acceptable to a general audience.

Unfortunately for Fox News, this change has not been greeted with universal approval. In particular, The International Union of Clowns is furious with the decision and is afraid that it will tarnish the beloved image of clowns as adorable characters whose purpose is to make people laugh and have a good time. Bozo Macdonald, President and CEO of the International Union of Clowns, said "Being a clown is a serious profession. It's not as easy and simple-minded as reading from a teleprompter. It takes intelligence and timing. Besides, O'Reilly is not funny. He's venal. And this so-called comic, Dennis Miller is about as humorous as a prostate examination. You know, Clowns are supposed to make people happy. They aren't supposed to make them want to commit suicide."

If this latest move does not improve their ratings, it is rumored that Fox News will switch to an all-mime format.


Anonymous stogoe said...

A spokesman for the International Brotherhood of Mimes and Silent Performers had no comment, but appeared to be trapped in a soundproof glass box with an endless invisible rope.

6:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One can only assume that Virt desires a job writing for The Onion. The only problem is they require writers to actually be funny first. It's the cardinal rule of political humor: Be funny before you try and make your political points. When you do it the other way around you get drivel like this.

11:26 AM  
Anonymous Democracy4U2 said...

Looks to me like somebody has "Virt envy" and feels threatened. The obvious assumption is the above comment is from someone at the Onion worried about job security but then the quality of the writing belies that point. Or maybe not.

12:35 PM  
Anonymous Sandpiper said...

Many commenters here have said that this site is actually funnier than the onion and I agree.

2:15 PM  
Blogger Moogirl said...

Wait a minute, I thought Fox had already gone to an all-clown format years ago...what gives?

And an all mime format would definitely come in handy for times when you can't locate the remote!

I’m new around here. I don’t even read The Onion, as they are not nearly as amusing as they think they are. You, Virt, are funny, you evil genius!

8:42 PM  
Anonymous pinko said...

I just want to share this little gem that came from Raw Story 01/10/07.

"Fox News' Gretchen Carlson equated Sen. Ted Kennedy, D-MA., with insurgents killing American soldiers in Iraq during a segment Wednesday (January 10, 2007) on Fox and Friends. In her interview with White House Counselor Dan Bartlett regarding George Bush's upcoming speech on sending more troops to Iraq, Carlson also managed to call Iraq an enemy of the U.S.

Seguing to Kennedy's speech to the National Press Club, Carlson said, "You talk about the hostile enemy, obviously being Iraq, but hostile enemies right here on the home front. Yesterday Senator Ted Kennedy, proposing that any kind of a troop surge should mean that there should be congressional approval of that…."Bartlett responded that the administration considered Kennedy a long-time critic of the war, but not a hostile enemy."

2:17 PM  

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