Fox News Switches to All-Clown Format In Ratings Gambit
New York, New York - In an increasingly desperate attempt to appeal to an ever dwindling audience, Fox News is set to introduce its latest gambit to attract viewers and increase its ratings. Starting tomorrow, Fox News on-air personalities will forsake suits and dresses and replace them with clown outfits.
Explaining this radical departure from normal decorum, Rupert Murdoch, head of Fox News parent company News Corp, said "When you are the captain of a sinking ship you do things that would have been unimaginable in better times. If putting Sean Hannity into big floppy shoes and a giant red nose while he sprays seltzer in his pants boosts our ratings than I've done my job and the shareholders are happy."
Assimilated Press has learned that part of the motivation for this dramatic change was due to research gleaned from internal focus groups that showed that average Americans had an extremely low opinion of Fox News personalities. Specifically, they found that Bill O'Reilly makes children cry. Sean Hannity gives people indigestion. Brit Hume makes viewers vomit, and Geraldo Rivera gives everyone the creeps. Fox News hopes that presenting them in clown outfits will soften their images and make them more acceptable to a general audience.
Unfortunately for Fox News, this change has not been greeted with universal approval. In particular, The International Union of Clowns is furious with the decision and is afraid that it will tarnish the beloved image of clowns as adorable characters whose purpose is to make people laugh and have a good time. Bozo Macdonald, President and CEO of the International Union of Clowns, said "Being a clown is a serious profession. It's not as easy and simple-minded as reading from a teleprompter. It takes intelligence and timing. Besides, O'Reilly is not funny. He's venal. And this so-called comic, Dennis Miller is about as humorous as a prostate examination. You know, Clowns are supposed to make people happy. They aren't supposed to make them want to commit suicide."
If this latest move does not improve their ratings, it is rumored that Fox News will switch to an all-mime format.