Bush Collapses During Speech

Birmingham, Alabama - Startled onlookers watched in horror as President George W. Bush collapsed into a heap during commencement services at the University of Phoenix School of War.

The incident occurred at the end of a speech in which Bush proclaimed that "The crusade...uh...mission in Iraq is going according to plan and soon all evildoers...uh...insurgents will be banished from the oil fields...uh...country."

According to witnesses, at the conclusion of Bush's speech, the graduates tossed their caps into the air, as is the custom at commencement services. Unfortunately, one of the caps caught a gust of wind and veered directly above the president severing all of the strings attached to the marionette controller being used by Vice President Dick Cheney who was hidden on a platform directly over the President as is the protocol for all public events featuring the president.

Bush remained crumpled on the ground as a team of secret service agents frantically worked to reattach all of the severed strings. Finally, after twenty minutes had passed, all of the strings were reattached and control was firmly reestablished. The president then rose to his feet, waved to the crowd and exited to a warm round of applause from the student body.

The students, who had just received their associates degrees in warrioring, unanimously said to Assimilated Press that they will not be enlisting in the armed forces of the United States to help in the effort in Iraq. Speaking for the entire graduating class, Fred Hiatt Jr. said, "I like got the degree in warriorship because it's like totally awesome and will make me a better at playing combat on my PlayStation and stuff."