New Benchmarks Set For Iraqis

Washington, D.C. - The Bush administration has acknowledged that the Iraqi government, on both national and local levels, has not attained an overall satisfactory grade in meeting the agreed-to benchmarks. The administration, however, is not conceding failure, but is saying that these benchmarks were the wrong benchmarks to have chosen.

"We made the benchmarks too hard," said President Bush, "We should have picked different benchmarks that they could've met."

A senior White House official elaborated on the President's remarks, saying, "We put them in "Democracy 101," when we should have enrolled them in "Remedial Statehood." No wonder they got lousy grades."

According to White House spokesman Tony Snow, the president in an announcement shared with Iraq's President Maliki, will be releasing a new, shorter list of benchmarks for Iraq.

Assimilated Press has been furnished with an advanced copy of the joint address, and the new benchmarks are as follows:

1. To foster the economic development of Iraq, President Maliki and his wife will cut coupons from the local grocery store circular and save them for "Double Coupon Days" realizing a net benefit of approximately $1.35 per weekly shopping.

2. Iraqi police uniforms will be modified to include a patch that reads "Good Guy" so that Shia, Sunni and Kurdish citizens can be reassured that even though the police are shooting at them, it's probably nothing personal.

3. The month corresponding to September on the Iraqi calendar will be eliminated, with the months corresponding to July and August extended to 45 days each.

4. Although the Iraqi Parliament will go on vacation for the entire month of August, in exchange for going on vacation while their country is in turmoil, legislators promise to decrease the amount of fun and relaxation they enjoy during this vacation by 20% from 2006 levels.

5. All Iraqi elections will be placed under the control of the Diebold Corporation. Diebold will also serve as an independent observer during local referenda regarding American troop withdrawal.

6. Schoolchildren between the ages of 8-12 who still have schools to go to will be offered a cultural appreciation course to encourage tolerance. The course, "How to treat an American President," will be taught by Albanians paid for by the U.S. Government.

7. To reduce demand on public utilities, which have deteriorated from pre-Saddam levels, public health officials will encourage people to use spit for cooking and officials will extol the healthy benefits of spoiled food, raw food and no food.

8. Iraqi government officials will pledge not to assassinate each other during plenary sessions. Maiming will be allowed under certain circumstances.

9. The Iraqi Army will keep their boots polished whenever possible, practice standing at attention at least weekly, and will repeat daily "Every day in every way I am getting better and better."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko