Sunday, May 06, 2007

President Bush: Commander Guy Or Skipper Dude?

Washington, D.C. - During a recent appearance, President Bush referred to himself as “The Commander Guy.” This change from “The Decider” to “The Commander Guy” puzzled some listeners. However, Dr. John Tucker, holder of the Jack Abramoff Chair in Ethical Studies at Regent University, is not surprised at the sudden change in titles.

“The President is trying to connect with the average American,” explained Dr. Tucker, “which he usually does very well as he is exceedingly average. But, it is no secret that in the polls the president’s approval ratings are down. Changing from “The Decider” to “The Commander Guy” is all part of a savvy public relations move to make the president seem friendly and cuddly.”

Dr. Tucker mentioned research done by Roper Polls that showed that among Americans between the ages 3-5, the most common names for the president were “Mr. Bush” and “I Don’t Know”, with “Poopy-head” also scoring highly. Terms used by Americans between the ages 5-105 included “The Idiot”, “The Screw-Up”, “Moron Man”, “Incurious George”, “Monkey Man”, “King George the 43rd”, “A National Disgrace”, “Cheney’s Puppet”, and “That F—king Bastard.”

“With that kind of feedback,” said Dr. Tucker, “the White House is looking for a kinder, gentler name. I’m actually surprised they came up with “The Commander Guy” as it still has a hard edge. I thought they would use “The Skipper Dude.”

When tested on a focus group, the term “The Skipper Dude”, brought to mind the reassuring image of “Gilligan’s Island”, the old television show. Many participants noted that on “Gilligan’s Island” The Minnow was supposed to be on a three hour cruise, then go home again, its mission accomplished. Instead, The Minnow, which evidently did not consider accurate weather intelligence, came into heavy seas, went seriously off-course, and the crew and passengers were stranded in the middle of nowhere without a clue how to get back to where they had started. Many of the participants felt that most Americans feel the Ship of State has gone off-course and that as a country we are in uncharted territory. Many also felt though that if “The Skipper Dude” was at the helm we’ll eventually be rescued, most likely in November 2008.

Dr. Tucker pointed out that the analogy between “Gilligan’s Island” and present-day America has several parallels. Although The Skipper was supposed to be in charge the main character was actually Gilligan, much as Vice President Cheney is the person truly in charge of the White House and American policy. There are several millionaires, and their wives, involved in the current administration. Condoleezza Rice was a professor and Fred Thompson is a movie star.

“The only problem is Maryanne,” said Dr. Tucker. “I’m not sure who that is. Maybe Karl Rove? If anyone has an idea, I would appreciate hearing it.”

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko


Anonymous Anonymous said...

My vote is Alberto Gonzales as Marianne. He doesn't have a real role either. He just does what he's told.

10:56 AM  
Anonymous Erika said...

Good one, anonymous, although if we could choose from other sitcoms I would say Alberto Gonzales is the perfect Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes.

12:27 PM  
Anonymous Another Anon said...

Or maybe Alberto Gonzales is Chrissy from Three's Company - cute but clueless. I nominate Gates for Mary Anne - no one pays any attention to him.

11:32 PM  
Anonymous Homeland Security said...

Maryanne is Monica Goodling.

11:38 PM  
Blogger Lilith said...

Harriet Myers as Maryanne...

4:09 PM  

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