Friday, May 11, 2007

Supreme Court Imposes Income Requirement On Petitioners

Washington, D.C. - The Supreme Court of the United States will begin imposing a minimum income requirement on individuals and companies before they will agree to accept a case for review. Effective immediately, any individual who petitions the Supreme Court must have a minimum income of five million dollars before the court will agree to consider their case. Additionally, any company that wishes to have their concerns heard by the court must have assets exceeding fifty million dollars.

Addressing the concerns of those who have inherited their wealth but still fall short of the income requirement, the Supreme Court has included a hardship clause in its new policy that will enable these individuals to still petition the court if they have other assets, such as a vacation home or yacht that have a cumulative value in excess of ten million dollars.

In response to criticism that this new policy will shut out the vast majority of citizens and small companies, Chief Justice John Roberts, who coauthored this new requirement with Justices Kennedy, Scalia, Thomas and Alito, stated "Our time is too valuable to be taken up with the complaints and issues of lower income citizens and small companies that drain our resources and make it harder for us to serve our true constituents. corporations and wealthy shareholders."

Chief Justice Roberts also announced that filing fees will be waived for all Fortune 500 companies and any corporation that employs spouses or family members of the current Supreme Court Justices.

3 Comments:

Anonymous pinko said...

Or any individual who has been a significant contributor to the GOP who may have, sadly, wound up in jail without a lucrative book option.

6:19 PM  
Anonymous DolphinSpeaks said...

Do you know if the Supreme Court justices take credit cards or is it strictly cash payment?

9:52 AM  
Anonymous Stogoe said...

Previously, the enticement was required to be paid in cash, and usually in unmarked nonsequential $20 bills, so as to avoid the appearance of impropriety.

But with this new announcement, the clerks have decided that all these quid pro quo transactions and asset histories be doccumented from here forward, so that valued clients won't be needlessly slowed down by paperwork on return visits.

Research is still in process to determine which credit card brands to exclude because of their customers', ahem, financial lackings.

6:26 AM  

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