Justice Department To End Discrimination Against White Voters

Washington, D.C. - The United States Department of Justice today announced a new voting rights initiative put into effect by an executive order signed by President Bush at the behest of political adviser Karl Rove and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. This initiative is meant to ensure that White voters are not discriminated against by having to wait in lengthy lines before they cast their votes. Said Gonzales, "The President and Karl Rove feel that for too long White voters have had too many obstacles to overcome and have had to face undue hardships in order to cast their ballots. This executive order will guarantee that White voters will never again be discriminated against."

Under the terms of this bold new policy, every voting location will be required to have at least one express line for White voters. If, for any reason whatsoever, the express line exceeds three White voters, then any additional White Voters who arrive will be allowed to go directly to the front of the other lines no matter how many nonWhite people are waiting. According to the executive order, the decision of what officially defines a voter as White will be decided on the precinct level by the head of the local chapter of the Republican Party.

Chief Justice Roberts of the Supreme Court along with Justices Scalia, Alito, Thomas and Kennedy issued a press release shortly after this policy was introduced in which they stated, "We five judges of the High Court stand in support of ending the insidious discrimination against White Voters and hereby declare that this new initiative by the President will pass constitutional muster."

Commenting on this new policy, Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani said, "Wow, that's great! I think I just won Florida, New York, California and half of the other states in the country."