American Justice System Officially Switches To Soviet Model

Washington, D.C. - The White House today made it official. The American justice system, which had been in use for over two hundred years, has been officially changed to mirror the justice system used by the now defunct Soviet Union.

Speaking on behalf of this radical change in American jurisprudence, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said, "Our old system, as laid out in the Constitution, was unreliable and unpredictable. By contrast, the Soviet style system always produces the results you expect and there is no messy oversight or independent judges who can get in your way. Also, it is the best example of a system where you can freely engage in torture, withhold secret evidence from the court, deny the accused access to attorneys, use coerced confessions, and, best of all, you are guaranteed a conviction each and every time."