Colin Powell Fails To Find Lost Integrity

Washington, D.C. - After a futile search lasting more than two years, Colin Powell has finally come to the conclusion that his integrity, honor and good name will never be recovered.

Infamous for his notorious pro-Iraq war speech at the United Nations which was filled with lies and misrepresentations, and which also was instrumental in selling this aggressive war of choice to the American people, Powell has been seeking redemption for his role in the Bush administration.

Asked why he didn't resign or more forcefully challenge the positions of President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney, Powell shrugged his shoulders and said, "I've always gotten ahead by doing whatever my political superiors ordered me to do. I tried to cover up the My Lai Massacre. I always nodded my head and said 'Yes, sir' to Reagan when he mumbled something stupid, and it got me four stars as well as fame and fortune. Being a yes-man was the key to my success. It had worked in the past and I was sure it would work in the Bush administration, but I had no idea how evil, stupid and ruthless the team of Cheney, Rove and Bush could be. They used me like a roll of toilet paper and when they were finished wiping their asses they flushed me down the toilet. Now, I am just an empty hollow husk of a human being, an object of scorn and ridicule."

In an unrelated development, Colin Powell's son, Michael Powell, has accepted four million dollars in deferred compensation from Rupert Murdoch, General Electric, Viacom, Time Warner, and Disney for his services to the media giants during his tenure as chairman of the FCC. Rupert Murdoch, who presented the check to Powell, said, "This is the best four million dollars we've ever spent."