Sunday, November 19, 2006

Totalitarian Regimes Seek American Expertise In Torture

Washington, D.C. - Repressive dictatorships and totalitarian regimes around the world are requesting that the Bush administration share their new found expertise in torture techniques in the hope that it will quell internal opposition in their countries. In particular, Libya, Sudan and Uzbekistan have shown great interest and enthusiasm for the dehumanizing methods used on detainees in Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo which they believe will work well on their own civilian populations.

In commenting on their request, Islam Karimov, Supreme Ruler of Uzbekistan said, "We used to look to Soviet Union for ways to best torture prisoners. Now, Americans much better. Waterboarding, beatings, dogs, chaining from ceiling, sexual humiliation, no sleep , threats to family, all very good. Americans very best at this, number one. We wish to learn these things from America so we can be just as good."

While there has been no official response yet from the White House, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce has released a letter of support for the transfer of American interrogation and torture techniques to other nations around the world. In the letter, Thomas J. Donohue, CEO of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, said "American methods and innovative measures used to break detainees are the envy of the world. This could become a very important and lucrative export for the United States that will also help to reduce the trade deficit and create jobs for Americans with these special skills."

In a related development, seven prisoners in Guantanamo have confessed to killing Amelia Earhart and the sinking of the Titanic.


Blogger The Xsociate said...

Sadly, this bit of snark is probably not too far off the mark.

1:11 AM  
Anonymous pinko said...

Pvt. Lynndie England
Naval Consolidated Brig
Miramar, CA

November 19, 2006

Col. Moammar Qaddafi

Dear Sir,

I read your want ad for experts in prisoner torture, abuse, and humiliation with great interest.

My experience at the Abu Ghraib Correctional Facility, Baghdad, Iraq as a Prisoner-Interrogation Facilitator would appear to match your needs.

My resume is enclosed, and I have taken the liberty of including some snapshots of me while on the job. As you can see from the photos, I always approached my daily tasks with a willing attitude and a cheerful outlook!

My work with the Iraqi people was great fun. I enjoyed every minute of my time with them, whether it was cheering them on in their athletic pursuits of building human pyramids, exposing them to the wonders of the animal world in the form of attack dogs, teaching them about the miracles of science, such as alternating current, or coaching them in waterboarding, a sport more popular at Abu Ghraib than baseball.

I feel sure that I will have the same affinity for the Libyan people as I had for the Iraqis, and I am very excited about this position.

Please feel free to contact any of my references, listed below. Looking forward to hearing from you soon,


Lynndie England, Pvt.

Col. Janis Karpinski, frmr. Commanding Officer, Abu Ghraib

Gen. Ricardo Sanchez, U.S. Commander, Iraq

Jay Bybee, memo author, Dept of Justice.

Alberto Gonzales, Attorney General of the United States of America

Donald Rumsfeld, frmr. Secretary of Defense

George W. Bush, President, The United States of America

9:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amelia, Amelia.... how many times have I asked you not to fly without your burqa??? See???

9:58 PM  
Anonymous me said...

Virt, you are a genius.

8:00 AM  
Blogger Lwayno said...

I remember when Col.North asked the the Argentine Military to teach the CIA and its' Atlatl Battalion how to torture the central american rebels. It is good to know that all the training money was not wasted. Keyword: El Mazote Massacre

5:27 AM  

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