Totalitarian Regimes Seek American Expertise In Torture

Washington, D.C. - Repressive dictatorships and totalitarian regimes around the world are requesting that the Bush administration share their new found expertise in torture techniques in the hope that it will quell internal opposition in their countries. In particular, Libya, Sudan and Uzbekistan have shown great interest and enthusiasm for the dehumanizing methods used on detainees in Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo which they believe will work well on their own civilian populations.

In commenting on their request, Islam Karimov, Supreme Ruler of Uzbekistan said, "We used to look to Soviet Union for ways to best torture prisoners. Now, Americans much better. Waterboarding, beatings, dogs, chaining from ceiling, sexual humiliation, no sleep , threats to family, all very good. Americans very best at this, number one. We wish to learn these things from America so we can be just as good."

While there has been no official response yet from the White House, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce has released a letter of support for the transfer of American interrogation and torture techniques to other nations around the world. In the letter, Thomas J. Donohue, CEO of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, said "American methods and innovative measures used to break detainees are the envy of the world. This could become a very important and lucrative export for the United States that will also help to reduce the trade deficit and create jobs for Americans with these special skills."

In a related development, seven prisoners in Guantanamo have confessed to killing Amelia Earhart and the sinking of the Titanic.