Cheney Scarecrow Curdles Milk

Athens, Greece - Athenos Feta Cheese announced today that it is installing large numbers of Cheney scarecrows in its dairy operations in Greece. The scarecrow, modeled after U.S. Vice President Richard B. Cheney, has been found to be highly effective at curdling milk. Under the new scarecrow curdling technique cows exposed to nanosecond glimpses of the Cheney scarecrow produce sour milk straight from the udder. Tucker Yappopulous, head of Athenos production, said that the cheese company hopes that the installation of the Cheney scarecrows “will greatly cut curdling time and increase production, as soon as we manage to get cow mortality rates down to acceptable levels.”

The scarecrow installation work began early this morning but had to be suspended by noon as scores of Athenos dairy workers were rushed to local hospitals after falling prey to a mysterious ailment. The ailment, of unknown origin, appears to cause paranoid hallucinations, copious oily sweat and an overwhelming urge to shoot someone in the face.

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko