Wal-Mart Introduces The Cheney Scarecrow

Bentonville, Arkansas - Hoping to make up for poor holiday sales, America's largest retail chain has introduced a new product that it feels will become an indispensable commodity for the nation's farmers. Modeled after the vice president of the United States, it is called the Cheney Scarecrow and it is already in stores everywhere across the country.

Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. CEO and President, Lee Scott, issued high praise for the new product at its official unveiling at the companies headquarters in Bentonville when he said, "it is with great pride that I present to the American public our new flagship product, the Cheney Scarecrow. I predict that it will do for Wal-Mart's stock what Viagra did for millions of elderly men who suddenly found that they could get a few more miles out of the old car, so to speak."

Consumer Reports, after running extensive tests on the Cheney Scarecrow, came to the conclusion that "The Cheney Scarecrow is amazingly effective at scaring crows. Unfortunately, we have also discovered that it terrifies small children, puppy dogs and kittens. In addition, we found that whatever benefits farmers will receive from using the Cheney Scarecrow to protect their crops is more than outweighed by the fact that at the same time it is repulsing crows, it is actually attracting rats, locusts and cockroaches in extraordinarily large numbers. Therefore, we, at Consumer Reports, are afraid that instead of promoting bountiful crops, the Cheney Scarecrow will create widespread pestilence and famine resulting in wide stretches of devastation from coast to coast."

When informed of the Consumer Reports study, Lee Scott replied, "Some days the sun shines and some days it rains. Sometimes you get to kiss the pretty girl and sometimes you go home with the person who's standing next to you when the bar closes."

The Cheney Scarecrow is Made of post-industrial waste and is assembled in China.