Ronald Reagan's Corpse On Nationwide Tour For Republicans

Simi Valley, California - Republican Party officials today carried out an order from Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia to have the body of Ronald Reagan exhumed in the hope that the former president can provide some help to the beleaguered Republicans in the next election.

To improve their chances, Republican candidates for president as well as for congressional house and senate seats will have their pictures taken with Reagan's corpse as it tours the country. Top donors who contribute more than five thousand dollars will also receive a photograph of themselves shaking hands with the long dead chief executive.

Concerns about the Gipper's appearance after years of decay prompted Republican officials to bring in top makeup experts from Hollywood to work on the presidential corpse to make it appear as lifelike as possible and to restore that famous Reagan charm. Commenting on this effort was the leader of the cosmetics team, Leopold of Beverly Hills, who said, "You know, I thought this was going to be a difficult task but it turns out he needed less makeup dead than when he was alive. Go figure."

At the end of the campaign, Reagan's body will be returned to its resting place in Simi Valley until it is needed in the next election.

The 2008 Ronald Reagan Corpse National Tour is being sponsored by Exxon Mobil. All proceeds will go to the Republican Party and the Exxon Mobil General Fund.