Chief Justice Roberts In Drunken Brawl

Washington, D.C. - Assimilated Press has just learned that Chief Justice John Roberts, Justice Anton Scalia and Justice Clarence Thomas went on a drunken debauched spree to celebrate their recent Indiana voter registration ruling that effectively serves to disenfranchise millions of Democratic voters in time to help the Republican Party for the 2008 presidential election.

Witnesses to the spectacle, which occurred at the exclusive Morton's Steakhouse in the capital, say that lobbyists from Exxon Mobil and General Electric provided the three supreme court justices with a steady stream of champagne, scotch, filet mignon and call girls. As the night wore on, the three men grew increasingly boisterous and began shouting at the other patrons in the restaurant. Finally, all civility and control seemed to break down when two scantily clad women hired by Exxon Mobil did a lap dance for the Justices and then hung a banner from their table that read, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED-ELECTION 2008."

When asked to comment on the meaning of this message by an older female customer at a nearby table, Roberts angrily said, "What do you think it means, you stupid bitch? After Indiana and Gore v. Bush, it should be obvious now. If you're Black, poor or even look like you might be a Democrat, you better not even try to fuckin' vote or we'll put your stinkin' ass in jail and throw away the God damn key."

Chief Justice Roberts then jumped up from his seat and pummeled the older woman until she was unconscious. He then vomited on a nearby table while Justices Scalia and Thomas requested something off the menu from their call girls.