Kiefer Sutherland Tearfully Apologizes For Jack Bauer

Los Angeles, California - Actor Kiefer Sutherland, speaking at a gathering of FOX affiliate stations, broke down and sobbingly apologized to the American people for the damage his television persona, Jack Bauer, has done to the nation and world.

As tears flowed down his face, Sutherland said, "I am so sorry, so very sorry for the harm that the television program 24 and my character Jack Bauer have brought to this nation. I had no idea that my actions on this television series would be used by President Bush and those around him to justify and romanticize torture. Sure, we glorify cruelty, humiliation and human debasement on the show, but we thought we were doing it for a good cause, ratings. Please forgive me. Please forgive me."

Shortly after making his remarks, representatives from FOX came on stage and led him into a large black SUV with no windows. Several hours later, a spokesperson for Rupert Murdoch said that "Mr. Sutherland has retracted all of his comments from earlier in the day and that he would now be taking a vacation of undetermined length at a Halliburton Luxury Resort & Spa before returning to his busy schedule shooting new episodes of 24."