Bush Declares New York Times Enemy Combatant

New York, New York - On orders from President George W. Bush, the U.S. Army early this morning set a barrier of barbed wire and concrete blocks around The New York Times Building effectively sealing off the area to prevent anyone from leaving or entering. No food, water or supplies of any kind will be allowed in. This action was taken in response to the Times publication of a story that revealed that the Bush administration was spying on the financial activities of Americans without any court order or oversight.

In announcing his decision to blockade The New York Times Building, Bush stated "I am not only the decider. I am the protector and I need a free hand to protect the American people from evil doers. You know that saying, 'You've got to break a few eggs to make bacon.' Well, that's what I'm doing. And this here New York Times is gettin' in my way. Sure, they've been good to me over the last 6 years but I need them to be fair and balanced 24/7, no gettin' off the reservation, if you get my meaning. We need reportin' like the kind Judy Miller did, not this investigative stuff that tells people what we're really doing."

Later in the day, Vice President Dick Cheney said "the blockade will continue until all reporters and executives of The New York Times unconditionally surrender. They will then be sent to Guantanamo for interrogation. Once they sign confessions they will be re-educated and released."

In a clarification released several hours later, press secretary Tony Snow said that "Elizabeth Bumiller and a few other select reporters will be allowed to come and go as they please since they have been such good friends of the administration."