Thursday, July 20, 2006

Vice President Cheney Kills Innocent Man In Fit Of Rage

Lynchburg, Virginia - Dick Cheney was at the center of a confrontation at a local steakhouse late Wednesday evening that resulted in the death of one man. Eyewitnesses and employees of the restaurant report that the vice president was enjoying a quiet night out with his close friend Jerry falwell when he overheard a diner at a nearby table remark that "Cocker Spaniels were not as smart as Irish Setters."

For some reason this infuriated Cheney who rose to his feet while unleashing a torrent of obscene comments which seemed mostly to pertain to the superiority of Cocker Spaniels over any other breed, especially Irish Setters. He then grabbed a bottle of 1961 Chateau Latour Pauillac from the table and threw it at the startled diner. Unfortunately, the vice president had finished most of the bottle and his aim was off. The 1961 Chateau Latour Pauillac flew wide of its target and struck another restaurant patron in the head, splitting his skull and instantly killing him.

Seeing what he had done, Cheney muttered "Oh, shit!" He then reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a piece of paper that appeared to have the presidential insignia on it. Waving the paper in front of Falwell, he said, "Lucky I've got this, all purpose past, present and future pardon. My get out of jail card. Don't know what I'd do without it."

Cheney then calmly sat down, ordered another bottle of wine and proceeded to finish his meal, a medium rare porterhouse steak with cottage fries.


Anonymous Pinko said...

Fox News

Vice President Cheney was forced to defend himself today from an attack by an enraged diner at a Virginia steakhouse. The diner, shouting obscene comments about Cocker Spaniels and Irish Setters, accosted the Vice President while he was enjoying a quiet dinner with the Rev. Jerry Falwell. Mr. Cheney used a wine bottle to fend off the man's attacks. The man died later at Lynchburg Memorial Hospital. Both Mr. Cheney and Rev. Falwell later went to the hospital to comfort the man's widow.

Jerry Falwell, speaking to the press at the hospital, said "The Lord was watching out for Dick Cheney today because the Lord is behind the policies of this administration."

While the man's widow declined to release a statement, a hospital spokesman indicated that she had apologized to the Vice President for her husband's actions.

12:52 PM  

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