Tuesday, January 16, 2007

First Lady Laura Bush Bares All In Explosive Interview

Washington, D.C. - The following interview with First Lady Laura Bush took place in the White House late last week. There were no restrictions on the questions asked and, as you will soon discover, the First Lady was anxious to make her point of view known on some very controversial and personal subjects.

Virt: Mrs. Bush, I want to thank you on behalf of the readers of Assimilated Press for this wonderful opportunity to get to know you better.

First Lady: You're very welcome. As the First Lady I am often constrained in what I can say to the public. Quite frankly, I feel like I have been in handcuffs for the last six years. Well, today the handcuffs come off and the world finally gets to see the real Laura Bush.

Virt: Very good. Let's start with the war in Iraq. As you know, the justifications for the war have shifted repeatedly over the last four years and virtually all of them have proved to be either wrong or flat-out lies. In your opinion why did the president invade Iraq?

First Lady: Well, I read your interview with Saddam Hussein and I must tell you, in all honesty, that the reason he gave was only partially true. Yes, George does have a small penis. In fact, it is a very small penis. However, the real reason he invaded Iraq was because Dick Cheney double-dared him and George never backs down from a double-dare.

Virt: You're saying the United States of America went to war with Iraq because Vice President Dick Cheney doubled-dared the president to do it?

First Lady: Yes, that is exactly what I am saying.

Virt: How does that make you feel, knowing that America went to war in response to a childish taunt from the vice president?

First Lady: Well, that's life with George. I'm used to it by now.

Virt: But tens of thousands of lives have been lost, the nation's wealth squandered and the entire region thrown into chaos.

First Lady: George never worries about those things. He sleeps like a baby. He wets his bed like a baby too. But you already know that since you were the one who broke the story. Boy, he was really, really mad when he read that you exposed his life long problem with bed wetting in Assimilated Press. For the first few days he was inconsolable. It wasn't until Brit Hume from Fox News called and told him that he and Sean Hannity were also bed wetters that George finally began to calm down.

Virt: Really? I didn't know that about Brit Hume and Sean Hannity.

First Lady: Oh dear, I guess I shouldn't have let that slip out. Oh well, as they say in Mexico, c'est la vie.

Virt: Speaking of personal foibles, I understand that you have had some problems with drugs.

First Lady: My, you are resourceful. Yes, it is true. If you were married to George W. Bush you would be taking drugs too.

Virt: What type of drugs are you taking?

First Lady: Well, I started with Valium but it just wasn't strong enough so then I switched to Vicodin but that stopped doing the trick for me. Finally, my good friend Rush Limbaugh gave me some Oxycontin and that's what I have been using ever since.

Virt: So, you've taken drugs with Rush Limbaugh?

First Lady: Oh yes, we party all of the time. That Rush is an animal, a fistful of Oxycontin, some Viagra, a little Ted Nugent playing in the background, and we can go at it all night long.

Virt: But the rumor circulating around Washington is that you are having an affair with Vice President Cheney not Rush Limbaugh.

First Lady: Yes, well unfortunately I had to break off the fling with Dick because it was just too embarrassing.

Virt: Because of the gossip?

First Lady: No, not that. The problem with Dick was that he went everywhere with a complete medical crew to monitor his vital signs and provide emergency care whenever necessary. When we had sex there was always two nurses and a doctor present. On more than one occasion, they had to defibrillate him when he got overexcited. I just couldn't take it anymore. All of that machinery and constant medical attention really killed the mood. Say, are you doing anything after the interview? I have some free time before Parade Magazine comes to take some pictures of me for their cover.

Virt: As tempting as that offer is, I'm afraid I have a previous commitment.

First Lady: Too bad. Maybe another time.

Virt: Yes. Now, if I may ask one final question?

First Lady: Of course.

Virt: Will the president attack Iran?

First Lady: Oh yes, most definitely, Iran, Syria, Venezuela, Chad, Tunisia, Cuba, Cameroon and France.

At this point, two secret service agents entered the room and said that the interview was over.

Virt: Unfortunately, it appears that our time is up. Thank you for this very informative interview.

First Lady: You are quite welcome. Please come back anytime. I wouldn't mind continuing this conversation off the record, if you know what I mean.

At that moment a photographer from Parade Magazine entered the room and I exited the White House.


Anonymous GWeiler said...

Totally awesome, Virt! A most excellent interview!

10:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It just sounds so real, so plausible, you wonder, did it actually happen.

After all with the moron, anything lurid is possible.


1:26 PM  
Anonymous pinko said...

Administration Cited For Noise Violations: Saber-Rattling Annoys Neighbors

The White House was cited today for excessive noise due to its ongoing saber-rattling. Two Washington, DC policemen attempted to deliver the public nuisance citation to the White House. The policemen were not successful because they were stopped by members of Vice President Dick Cheney's office who then refused to accept the citation saying that due to security concerns they could neither confirm nor deny that President Bush lived in the White House. When the police officers then attempted to deliver the citation to the Vice President's residence they were again stopped by members of Mr. Cheney's office who, citing security concerns, refused to say whether or not Mr. Cheney was Vice President, calling this classified information.

The police officers left for a few minutes but returned to the White House shortly after accompanied by The Speaker of the House, The Senate Majority Leader, the Minority Whip, the Senate Minority Leader, former President George H.W. Bush, Barbara Bush, Pope Benedict XVI, the Statue of Liberty, Henry Kissinger, Betsy Ross, Gov. Jeb Bush, Annie Oakley, Neil Bush, Howdy Doody, Dorothy Bush Koch, Mary Magdalene, Mother Teresa, Elvis, Shirley Temple, the Lone Ranger, George Wasington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, Harry Truman, Jesus, Richard Nixon, Lassie and John Q. Public.

This time when the group attempted to serve the administration with the citation of being a public nuisance they were met at the door by both President Bush and Vice President Cheney.

Mr. Bush looked at the crowd, then stuck his fingers in his ears and began jumping up and down, shouting "I can't hear you, I can't hear you! La, la, la,la!"

Mr. Cheney told the crowd "The Executive can do whatever he wants, however he wants whenever he wants and nobody can stop him or make him change his mind: that's democracy", then slammed the door shut.

5:22 PM  
Anonymous brian said...

Don't forget Laura ran through a stop sign and killed her boyfriend.

10:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brian, this can't be for real? Please, tell me more!

12:19 PM  
Anonymous pinko said...

Anonymous, it's for real - exaggerated, but real.

In 1963 when Laura was 17 she was driving with her best friend in the passenger seat when Laura ran a stop sign and broadsided the driver's side of a car driven by a boy in her high school. (No, he wasn't her boyfriend at the time, but they had dated in the past. The boys and girls in their group dated each other, it was a common practice in their circle. They hadn't been a couple for months and she had dated others since.)

Laura and her friend were bruised and taken to the hospital via ambulance to be checked out then were released. The boy had massive injuries and was declared DOA. What was also tragic was that the boy's father was driving in a car right behind his son and saw the whole thing happen without being able to do anything about it.

It was a clear day, good visibility, and the pavement was dry; but she was an inexperienced driver who was distracted while talking with her friend and she just plain didn't see the stop sign.

It's the kind of avoidable accident that happens every day in every state and the reason why teenage drivers have such high insurance premiums. The only difference is that in this case the teen driver grew up, got married, and then, years and years later, the person she had married when he was just a rich man's ne'er-do- well son wound up very, very famous.

While Laura Bush didn't shout about this accident from the rooftops, she has never denied it and has spoken about it when questioned. Those crazies who say this was some sort of plot, conspiracy or revenge killing disguised as an accident, are just that - crazy.

There are lots of reasons to find fault with Laura Bush - but this isn't one of them.

2:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

us lieberryuns rezunt bn conzidird ijunernt becuz som skool liberryun married a failed legzcy ivi leek no-count who is dumer then her but has more money den educaters.

5:07 PM  

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