First Lady Laura Bush Bares All In Explosive Interview

Washington, D.C. - The following interview with First Lady Laura Bush took place in the White House late last week. There were no restrictions on the questions asked and, as you will soon discover, the First Lady was anxious to make her point of view known on some very controversial and personal subjects.

Virt: Mrs. Bush, I want to thank you on behalf of the readers of Assimilated Press for this wonderful opportunity to get to know you better.

First Lady: You're very welcome. As the First Lady I am often constrained in what I can say to the public. Quite frankly, I feel like I have been in handcuffs for the last six years. Well, today the handcuffs come off and the world finally gets to see the real Laura Bush.

Virt: Very good. Let's start with the war in Iraq. As you know, the justifications for the war have shifted repeatedly over the last four years and virtually all of them have proved to be either wrong or flat-out lies. In your opinion why did the president invade Iraq?

First Lady: Well, I read your interview with Saddam Hussein and I must tell you, in all honesty, that the reason he gave was only partially true. Yes, George does have a small penis. In fact, it is a very small penis. However, the real reason he invaded Iraq was because Dick Cheney double-dared him and George never backs down from a double-dare.

Virt: You're saying the United States of America went to war with Iraq because Vice President Dick Cheney doubled-dared the president to do it?

First Lady: Yes, that is exactly what I am saying.

Virt: How does that make you feel, knowing that America went to war in response to a childish taunt from the vice president?

First Lady: Well, that's life with George. I'm used to it by now.

Virt: But tens of thousands of lives have been lost, the nation's wealth squandered and the entire region thrown into chaos.

First Lady: George never worries about those things. He sleeps like a baby. He wets his bed like a baby too. But you already know that since you were the one who broke the story. Boy, he was really, really mad when he read that you exposed his life long problem with bed wetting in Assimilated Press. For the first few days he was inconsolable. It wasn't until Brit Hume from Fox News called and told him that he and Sean Hannity were also bed wetters that George finally began to calm down.

Virt: Really? I didn't know that about Brit Hume and Sean Hannity.

First Lady: Oh dear, I guess I shouldn't have let that slip out. Oh well, as they say in Mexico, c'est la vie.

Virt: Speaking of personal foibles, I understand that you have had some problems with drugs.

First Lady: My, you are resourceful. Yes, it is true. If you were married to George W. Bush you would be taking drugs too.

Virt: What type of drugs are you taking?

First Lady: Well, I started with Valium but it just wasn't strong enough so then I switched to Vicodin but that stopped doing the trick for me. Finally, my good friend Rush Limbaugh gave me some Oxycontin and that's what I have been using ever since.

Virt: So, you've taken drugs with Rush Limbaugh?

First Lady: Oh yes, we party all of the time. That Rush is an animal, a fistful of Oxycontin, some Viagra, a little Ted Nugent playing in the background, and we can go at it all night long.

Virt: But the rumor circulating around Washington is that you are having an affair with Vice President Cheney not Rush Limbaugh.

First Lady: Yes, well unfortunately I had to break off the fling with Dick because it was just too embarrassing.

Virt: Because of the gossip?

First Lady: No, not that. The problem with Dick was that he went everywhere with a complete medical crew to monitor his vital signs and provide emergency care whenever necessary. When we had sex there was always two nurses and a doctor present. On more than one occasion, they had to defibrillate him when he got overexcited. I just couldn't take it anymore. All of that machinery and constant medical attention really killed the mood. Say, are you doing anything after the interview? I have some free time before Parade Magazine comes to take some pictures of me for their cover.

Virt: As tempting as that offer is, I'm afraid I have a previous commitment.

First Lady: Too bad. Maybe another time.

Virt: Yes. Now, if I may ask one final question?

First Lady: Of course.

Virt: Will the president attack Iran?

First Lady: Oh yes, most definitely, Iran, Syria, Venezuela, Chad, Tunisia, Cuba, Cameroon and France.

At this point, two secret service agents entered the room and said that the interview was over.

Virt: Unfortunately, it appears that our time is up. Thank you for this very informative interview.

First Lady: You are quite welcome. Please come back anytime. I wouldn't mind continuing this conversation off the record, if you know what I mean.

At that moment a photographer from Parade Magazine entered the room and I exited the White House.