Saddam's Last Interview

Baghdad, Iraq - The following interview with Saddam Hussein took place in the American secured Green Zone in Baghdad just moments before Saddam was transfered from the custody of American troops into the hands of a gang of hooded gunmen claiming to be representatives of the Iraqi government.

Virt: Saddam Hussein, you have been tried and sentenced to death. Do you have any thoughts you would like to share with the readers of Assimilated Press about your trial and impending sentence?

Saddam: Yes, but before I begin, do you have any Doritos corn chips? I have developed quite a taste for them and I finished the last bag my American guards gave me earlier today.

Virt: No, I'm sorry. I don't have any.

Saddam: Ah, that's too bad. Doritos are very, very good. You know, I signed a contract with Frito-Lay last week, a very big endorsement deal. I am their new spokesman. In fact, we shot a commercial this morning. Do you want to hear how it goes?

Virt: Well, there are other matters that may be more important in our limited time.

Saddam: Please, I am a condemned man. Indulge me. this will only take a moment.

Virt: Uh, OK.

Saddam: (Pretending that he is holding a bag of Doritos) Doritos are so good that I requested them for my last meal. Now, I can go to the gallows with a smile on my face.

Virt: Well, that should sell quite a few bags.

Saddam: Yes, and my surviving children will get a share of the profits on each bag sold.

Virt: Yes, now back to my question.

Saddam: About the trial?

Virt: Yes.

Saddam: Well, first of all, I was very flattered that you Americans have copied the system of justice used by Iraq during my reign of power. You Americans are very good at borrowing from other cultures. That is what makes America a great nation.

Virt: What do you mean?

Saddam: Well, for instance, during my American run trial three of my defense attorneys were assassinated, the original judge was removed when he was shown to be to fair and replaced with another judge who said I deserved to die even before he heard a word from my defense team. And, most important of all, evidence that clearly showed that the first Bush along with Reagan, Cheney and Rumsfeld were accomplices in my so-called crimes of mass murder was never allowed. Now, I modeled Iraq's justice system after the system Joseph Stalin created in the Soviet Union and obviously Mr. Bush modeled your American justice system, as shown in my trial, on my copy of Stalin. What is that saying? Oh yes, plagiarism is the highest form of flattery. I'm sure Stalin would be very proud as well if he were still with us.

Virt: You mentioned the first President Bush, George Herbert Walker Bush. Why do you think there is so much animosity between you and the Bush family?

Saddam: Ah, a very good question and I will give you an answer I know to be true. You see, once George Herbert Walker Bush and I were very good friends. When I gassed the Kurds he said to me "Saddam, you are one tough guy. I wish I could do something like that to the Democrats in Congress." And when I went to war with Iran and killed hundreds of thousands with more chemical weapons, it was my good friends Bush, Rumsfeld and Cheney who gave me the go-ahead and the valuable intelligence that allowed me to do these things. These were the actions of close friends, but all of that changed one day.

Virt: Was that the day you invaded Kuwait?

Saddam: No, no, no. It had nothing to do with the invasion of Kuwait. My relationship with Bush soured because of a harmless little joke.

Virt: A joke?

Saddam: Yes, you see, the first President Bush and I enjoyed each other's company the way powerful men often do. One day, after we played racquetball, we took a shower together and I noticed that he had an extremely small penis. I mentioned this to Secretary of State James Baker. In fact, I said to him "Isn't it funny that the leader of the most powerful country in the world has a teeny tiny penis?" Obviously, this got back to the first President Bush and before you could say "Baba Ghannouj" Iraq was being bombed.

Virt: You believe that President George Herbert Walker Bush bombed Iraq and pushed you out of Kuwait because you said he had a small penis?

Saddam: Yes, I am sure of it.

Virt: And how would this explain the decision of the current President Bush to invade Iraq and depose you?

Saddam: Obviously, he must have heard what I said about his father and I am betting that he has a very small penis as well. After all, like father like son.

Virt: But that is very hard to believe. So many deaths, so much suffering, all because of a harmless joke.

Saddam: Ah, you are just a young journalist. You know nothing of the ways of the world. Yes, many reasons are given for war, arguments over borders, religious rivalries, ethnic hatred. But, the main reason leaders go to war is to prove that one has a larger penis than his adversary. Look at your own President Bush posing on that aircraft carrier in a flight suit complete with a codpiece used to enhance his rather minuscule manhood. That is what I am talking about. If President Bush had a normal size penis the Iraq war would never have occurred. That is a fact.

At this point in the interview four American soldiers entered Saddam's cell to transfer him into the custody of his executioners

Virt: Saddam Hussein, is there anything you would like to say to the world before you go to the gallows?

Saddam: Yes, there is. To George W. Bush I say, thank you. Once I was a mass murderer and now you have remade me into a martyr. After all of my crimes against humanity even I did not think that was possible but you, George W. Bush, have accomplished this with my trial and soon to be hanging. Thank you a thousand times for this great gift. To the rest of the world I say, buy Doritos. They are a delicious snack and now they are made without any trans fats for those who are on a health conscious diet.

With that last comment, Saddam Hussein was escorted from the cell and within an hour he was dead.