Sunday, January 07, 2007

Saddam's Last Interview

Baghdad, Iraq - The following interview with Saddam Hussein took place in the American secured Green Zone in Baghdad just moments before Saddam was transfered from the custody of American troops into the hands of a gang of hooded gunmen claiming to be representatives of the Iraqi government.

Virt: Saddam Hussein, you have been tried and sentenced to death. Do you have any thoughts you would like to share with the readers of Assimilated Press about your trial and impending sentence?

Saddam: Yes, but before I begin, do you have any Doritos corn chips? I have developed quite a taste for them and I finished the last bag my American guards gave me earlier today.

Virt: No, I'm sorry. I don't have any.

Saddam: Ah, that's too bad. Doritos are very, very good. You know, I signed a contract with Frito-Lay last week, a very big endorsement deal. I am their new spokesman. In fact, we shot a commercial this morning. Do you want to hear how it goes?

Virt: Well, there are other matters that may be more important in our limited time.

Saddam: Please, I am a condemned man. Indulge me. this will only take a moment.

Virt: Uh, OK.

Saddam: (Pretending that he is holding a bag of Doritos) Doritos are so good that I requested them for my last meal. Now, I can go to the gallows with a smile on my face.

Virt: Well, that should sell quite a few bags.

Saddam: Yes, and my surviving children will get a share of the profits on each bag sold.

Virt: Yes, now back to my question.

Saddam: About the trial?

Virt: Yes.

Saddam: Well, first of all, I was very flattered that you Americans have copied the system of justice used by Iraq during my reign of power. You Americans are very good at borrowing from other cultures. That is what makes America a great nation.

Virt: What do you mean?

Saddam: Well, for instance, during my American run trial three of my defense attorneys were assassinated, the original judge was removed when he was shown to be to fair and replaced with another judge who said I deserved to die even before he heard a word from my defense team. And, most important of all, evidence that clearly showed that the first Bush along with Reagan, Cheney and Rumsfeld were accomplices in my so-called crimes of mass murder was never allowed. Now, I modeled Iraq's justice system after the system Joseph Stalin created in the Soviet Union and obviously Mr. Bush modeled your American justice system, as shown in my trial, on my copy of Stalin. What is that saying? Oh yes, plagiarism is the highest form of flattery. I'm sure Stalin would be very proud as well if he were still with us.

Virt: You mentioned the first President Bush, George Herbert Walker Bush. Why do you think there is so much animosity between you and the Bush family?

Saddam: Ah, a very good question and I will give you an answer I know to be true. You see, once George Herbert Walker Bush and I were very good friends. When I gassed the Kurds he said to me "Saddam, you are one tough guy. I wish I could do something like that to the Democrats in Congress." And when I went to war with Iran and killed hundreds of thousands with more chemical weapons, it was my good friends Bush, Rumsfeld and Cheney who gave me the go-ahead and the valuable intelligence that allowed me to do these things. These were the actions of close friends, but all of that changed one day.

Virt: Was that the day you invaded Kuwait?

Saddam: No, no, no. It had nothing to do with the invasion of Kuwait. My relationship with Bush soured because of a harmless little joke.

Virt: A joke?

Saddam: Yes, you see, the first President Bush and I enjoyed each other's company the way powerful men often do. One day, after we played racquetball, we took a shower together and I noticed that he had an extremely small penis. I mentioned this to Secretary of State James Baker. In fact, I said to him "Isn't it funny that the leader of the most powerful country in the world has a teeny tiny penis?" Obviously, this got back to the first President Bush and before you could say "Baba Ghannouj" Iraq was being bombed.

Virt: You believe that President George Herbert Walker Bush bombed Iraq and pushed you out of Kuwait because you said he had a small penis?

Saddam: Yes, I am sure of it.

Virt: And how would this explain the decision of the current President Bush to invade Iraq and depose you?

Saddam: Obviously, he must have heard what I said about his father and I am betting that he has a very small penis as well. After all, like father like son.

Virt: But that is very hard to believe. So many deaths, so much suffering, all because of a harmless joke.

Saddam: Ah, you are just a young journalist. You know nothing of the ways of the world. Yes, many reasons are given for war, arguments over borders, religious rivalries, ethnic hatred. But, the main reason leaders go to war is to prove that one has a larger penis than his adversary. Look at your own President Bush posing on that aircraft carrier in a flight suit complete with a codpiece used to enhance his rather minuscule manhood. That is what I am talking about. If President Bush had a normal size penis the Iraq war would never have occurred. That is a fact.

At this point in the interview four American soldiers entered Saddam's cell to transfer him into the custody of his executioners

Virt: Saddam Hussein, is there anything you would like to say to the world before you go to the gallows?

Saddam: Yes, there is. To George W. Bush I say, thank you. Once I was a mass murderer and now you have remade me into a martyr. After all of my crimes against humanity even I did not think that was possible but you, George W. Bush, have accomplished this with my trial and soon to be hanging. Thank you a thousand times for this great gift. To the rest of the world I say, buy Doritos. They are a delicious snack and now they are made without any trans fats for those who are on a health conscious diet.

With that last comment, Saddam Hussein was escorted from the cell and within an hour he was dead.


Anonymous Mr. Conservatard said...

ROLF. Sometimes humor is closer to the truth than "reality". Keep up the good work.

5:09 AM  
Anonymous Masala said...

Wow! Excellent work, Virt.

10:55 AM  
Anonymous pinko said...

Reports in Baghdad are that Moktada al-Sadr has signed an exclusive contract with food giant General Mills. The contract would call for al-Sadr to appear on a box of Wheaties under the title "Breakfast of Champions of the Oppressed." The Muslim Scholars Association, a Sunni group, not to be outdone, has an agreement pending with The Interstate Bakeries Corporation. Under this agreement, the Wonder Bread wrapper will feature a dozen Sunni insurgents, each armed with a different weapon, under the banner "Making More Bodies 12 Ways!"

When asked the size of their penises, while several men volunteered extremely detailed descriptions regarding length, width, hardness and durability, neither Moktada al-Sadr nor any of the Sunnis would comment for the record or allow for an independent fact-check.

3:50 PM  
Blogger gregory_lyons said...


6:59 PM  
Blogger Raymond Funamoto said...

TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION, and TASTIER, TOO! The Bush Crime Family with Poppy H.W. 41 currently at the helm and CHIMPya 43 bucking(or is that fucking)for the helm once Poppy 41 kicks the bucket(or is Jeb-boy going to pull a Mafia switch and deep-six DUMBya?) had to SHUT Saddam up or the whole Bush Crime Family, Cheney, Rumsfeld, carryovers from Reagan times, all Neocons, would be facing capital punishment at The Hague--perhaps with a bit of determined digging by PATRIOTIC AMERICANS this too, CAN COME TRUE and Saddam will have a LOT OF COMPANY in HELL, i.e., the Bush Crime Family and BushLAND UBER ALLIES!!!! As Speaker Pelosi and Majority Leader Reid sang, "We've written a letter to CHIMPya, his address is HADES below..."

1:10 PM  
Anonymous enemy of the people said...

Of course you know, Virt, Texas is the homeplace of not just All Hat and No Cattle but the esteemed Frito-Lay too. Coincidence? I think not...

10:24 AM  
Anonymous I.M. Small said...


Remember that before the first
Gulf War as it is called,
George Bush said to his pal Hussein,
"Let not your plans be stalled--
Whatever you do in the region
We will not interfere, take siege in."

Saddam Hussein could hardly wait,
Bush so ambivalent,
It was, as to invade Kuwait
License equivalent,
Permission well-known plans to essay
From President of the USA.

It was perhaps a chance to show
He didn´t take no guff,
Old George from any so-and-so
So he responded tough,
Bombing, next when Hussein surrendered
Began a ground war: answer tendered.

Sadaam was once a friend of ours,
But O he was well-hung,
They mocked as he invoked God´s powers,
Then swiftly justice brung,
Without due process, which I trust
Superfluous to that kind of justice.

The message is, be careful when
Becoming friends with us,
For turning face or coat again
Our coos will turn to cuss,
For our vision of "New World Order"
Is your domain within our border.

Hence the requirement for the word
Teutonic "homeland" which
Could not have--in the Old--occurred,
Association rich
With designations so empiric
For which we wage a war most Pyrrhic.

The other lesson is no guess:
Do not disarm those nukes,
For those disarmed, from the US
Get more than mere rebukes,
Have-nots whom "shock and awe" await;
With havers we negotiate.

Ah, George, he is an old man now,
Yet still can paratroop,
As leaving office--boom, kapow!--
Right into Carlyle Group,
And so we know that office-holders
Have heavy interests on their shoulders.

8:26 AM  

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