Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Rush Limbaugh Arrested For Licking Toads & Public Nudity

Palm Beach, Florida - The clock strikes 12 twice a day. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west. The swallows return to Capistrano every March 19th. And, once again, Rush Limbaugh has been arrested for drug usage. This time his offense is even more unusual than his last run in with the police when he was busted sniffing the nitrous oxide out of whipping cream cans in the dairy section of the Palm Beach Piggly Wiggly. After that offense, Limbaugh's attorney, Roy Black, was able to get the charges against the talk show host dismissed by claiming that Limbaugh was suffering from emotional distress due to a flare up of the festering boil on his buttocks that has plagued him ever since it led to his draft deferment during the Vietnam War. It is doubtful, however, that the local magistrate will be so forgiving after this latest encounter with the law.

The famous right-wing talk show host's most recent rendezvous with the criminal justice system occurred on Tuesday when police received frantic calls saying that there was a naked obese man crawling on his hands and knees down the middle of North Ocean Drive, the scenic coastal road that traverses some of the most valuable ocean front real estate in the world. When the police arrived on the scene they found an extremely intoxicated nude individual blocking traffic while lying prostrate on the road. Upon closer inspection, they discovered that the man was licking a Cane Toad (Bufo marinus) which secrets a highly toxic substance that accumulates on its skin. Among drug connoisseurs, the chemical from a Cane Toad is said to trigger a hallucinatory experience.

One of the officers on the scene recognized the suspect as Rush Limbaugh and attempted to reason with him as several other officers tried to move him off of the thoroughfare. Unfortunately, Limbaugh resisted their efforts and took off running toward the beach shouting, "I am a butterfly, a pretty, pretty little butterfly."

The police pursued him into the lobby of the Ritz-Carlton hotel where they finally were able to subdue him. Limbaugh was then charged with public nudity, use of an illegal substance and animal cruelty. He was released two hours later and was soon back on the air with his daily radio show.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Knowing that Rush Limbaugh is allowed to roam at large in Palm Beach Co, FL makes it less difficult to send payments pursuant to a divorce agreement to an ex-wife. She might encounter Mr Limbaugh.
OK, I gladly pay the money to keep her out of my life. But the thought of my snow bird ex encountering Mr Limbaugh is unduly delightful.

4:41 PM  
Anonymous pinko said...

National Geographic:
"Walking" Whale Found in Palm Beach

An air-breathing, land-crawling, predator was spotted recently in Palm Beach, FL.

"At first we thought the creature was a snakehead," said Dr. John Tucker, marine biologist, referring to the non-native species decimating native fish in the area, "but then we realized it wasn't a fish at all, it was a mammal. When we saw that, we knew it was the legendary Walking Great White Whale."

The Walking Great White is unique among whales in that not only does it ambulate on its flippers, it has a distinctively small brain and a nasty disposition. Unlike other whales that travel in pods of related individuals that cooperate, the Walking Great White is a paranoid loner, given to attacking anything that crosses its path.Another unique and unusual trait of the Walking Great White is that it a bottom feeder.

Despite its manifold shortcomings, the Walking Great White is nonetheless an interesting case in the history of evolution. "Whales are animals that went back to the ocean, after they had lived on land. We're not sure, but we think the Walking Great White was chased off the land by all the other animals because they couldn't stand to be around it anymore." explained Dr. Tucker. "Just looking at this sucker makes you realize there is no such thing as "intelligent design" because what could possibly be the point in making something as useless, as vicious and as ugly as this on purpose?"

The whale, nicknamed "Rush", for its pattern of speedy locomotion was found ambulating on North Ocean Drive, in close proximity to the waterfront. After being sedated with an injection of Cane Toad toxin, Rush was tethered to a garbage scow and towed back out to sea.

10:20 PM  
Blogger Minor Ripper said...

great post--thanks...don't know if you've seen this video of Ann Coulter, but it's pretty classic:

2:45 PM  
Anonymous The Male Amazon said...

I just can't wait to see "Old Fatass" nabbed on "To Catch A Predator", on Dateline!

8:17 AM  
Blogger Art said...

learn difference between
imply and infer


even if the distinction between
quotes and quotations has been
killed by everyone with a computer

6:34 AM  

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