Rush Limbaugh Arrested For Licking Toads & Public Nudity
Palm Beach, Florida - The clock strikes 12 twice a day. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west. The swallows return to Capistrano every March 19th. And, once again, Rush Limbaugh has been arrested for drug usage. This time his offense is even more unusual than his last run in with the police when he was busted sniffing the nitrous oxide out of whipping cream cans in the dairy section of the Palm Beach Piggly Wiggly. After that offense, Limbaugh's attorney, Roy Black, was able to get the charges against the talk show host dismissed by claiming that Limbaugh was suffering from emotional distress due to a flare up of the festering boil on his buttocks that has plagued him ever since it led to his draft deferment during the Vietnam War. It is doubtful, however, that the local magistrate will be so forgiving after this latest encounter with the law.
The famous right-wing talk show host's most recent rendezvous with the criminal justice system occurred on Tuesday when police received frantic calls saying that there was a naked obese man crawling on his hands and knees down the middle of North Ocean Drive, the scenic coastal road that traverses some of the most valuable ocean front real estate in the world. When the police arrived on the scene they found an extremely intoxicated nude individual blocking traffic while lying prostrate on the road. Upon closer inspection, they discovered that the man was licking a Cane Toad (Bufo marinus) which secrets a highly toxic substance that accumulates on its skin. Among drug connoisseurs, the chemical from a Cane Toad is said to trigger a hallucinatory experience.
One of the officers on the scene recognized the suspect as Rush Limbaugh and attempted to reason with him as several other officers tried to move him off of the thoroughfare. Unfortunately, Limbaugh resisted their efforts and took off running toward the beach shouting, "I am a butterfly, a pretty, pretty little butterfly."
The police pursued him into the lobby of the Ritz-Carlton hotel where they finally were able to subdue him. Limbaugh was then charged with public nudity, use of an illegal substance and animal cruelty. He was released two hours later and was soon back on the air with his daily radio show.