District Of Columbia Now Classified

Washington, D.C. - Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has confirmed reports that the Justice Department has placed all of Washington, D.C. under "Top Secret" classification effective immediately. "D.C. is now a classified area. Making D.C. classified is absolutely vital to the safety and security of the American people," said Mr. Gonzales.

Questioned as to how citizens will be able to visit the Capitol Building, congressional offices, the White House or the Supreme Court, Mr. Gonzales answered, "Those with the proper clearances will be allowed to apply for brief visits on a need-to-know basis."

Robert Gates, the new Secretary of Defense, supports classifying the nation's Capitol, citing the need to protect sensitive intelligence information located within the District's confines. When asked if classifying D.C. and making it off-limits to visitors without prior approval by the government was the result of this weekend's protest on the Mall by over 30,000 participants demonstrating for an end to American involvement in Iraq, Mr. Gates replied, "No comment."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko.