Monday, January 29, 2007

Minutemen Move To Protect Marriage

Colorado Springs, Colorado - Several Minutemen battalions have been moved from the Mexican border to locations in Middle America. The move, explained James Dobson, leader of Focus on the Family, came at the request of his organization, a major group in the Christian Coalition.

"The Democrats have passed their first 100 hours", said Mr. Dobson, referring to the 110th Congressional majority. "Now that they've done all their high-profile activities, they will quietly start to work behind the scenes on their real agenda, which is destroying the American family by promoting homosexuality and other deviant behavior."

Concerned that sponsors of the Marriage Protection Amendment have stated they will not attempt to introduce the constitution altering legislation this year, Mr. Dobson contacted the Minutemen, the border-protection group praised by President Bush.

Supplemented by volunteers from Focus on the Family and other Christian Coalition units, the Minutemen have taken strategic positions around bridal salons, tuxedo rental stores, and bakeries across several midwestern and southern states. DJ's and musicians have been given armed bodyguards and caterers move in armored convoys with Minutemen scanning the road for IEDs and the rooftops for snipers. Florist shops and beauty parlors have been occupied and their owners are being held in re-education Bible camps.

"Flowers do add something to a wedding and the girls wanted their hair to be nice on their special day, so we tried to deal with the florists and hairdressers, but after a while we felt we couldn't trust them to be straight with us", explained a Minuteman field commander.

Mr. Dobson vowed that the Minutemen and Coalition forces will remain in defensive position, "until we are absolutely 100 percent sure marriage is no longer under attack."

Written for Assimilated Press by roving reporter pinko.

2 Comments:

Anonymous catherine said...

This is hysterical. Who ARE you?

Also, Blair not being Bush's Bitch made me snort apple juice through my nose. Please keep up your work, which protects the mental health of many of us.

1:37 PM  
Anonymous DolphinSpeaks said...

I agree with catherine. Great stuff!

9:00 PM  

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