Thursday, February 01, 2007

Dennis Miller Loses License To Practice Comedy

Poughkeepsie, New York - Today, the International Union of Comedians took the highly unusual measure of stripping Dennis Miller of his license to practice comedy. This action resulted from a near unanimous vote among the rank and file comedians in the union who expressed sadness that Miller forced them into this severe disciplinary measure.

Summing up the feelings of many of those present, famed comic Robin Williams said to reporters shortly after the vote, "Whoa, are those microphones or are you just happy to see me. But seriously, as a member in long standing of the International Union of Comedians, I voted along with my brethren and sistren to take away Dennis Miller's license to practice comedy because it was the right thing to do. It's not just that he isn't funny. It's because he is so unfunny that he is an embarrassment to the rest of us. In fact, a trip to the dentist's office is funnier than Dennis Miller. Need I say more?"

Because of the decertification of his comic status, Dennis Miller will no longer be able to call himself a comedian or practice the comedic arts anywhere in the contiguous United States. However, he will be allowed to refer to himself as an ex-comedian or former funnyman. Miller will also be able to apply for re-certification of his comedy license if he is able to prove at a later date that he is capable of being funny or relevant.


Anonymous Seashore Seashells said...

It's about time, I say. But isn't allowing him to refer to himself as an "ex-comedian" and "former funnyman" a bit generous since he was never either one?

10:21 AM  
Anonymous pinko said...

Someone who was funny and never had her humor certification revoked was columnist Molly Ivins who died January 31. Unlike Dennis Miller, Ivins could be funny, truthful and politically provocative all at the same time.

If you've ever called President Bush "Dubya", it's because Ivins, who knew Bush in high school but still managed to grow up normal, called him "Duya" first in her column in The Texas Observer. If you haven't yet read "Bushwacked" do yourself a favor and go find a copy.

Here are some of "Molly Ivins Greatest Hits":

On Ronald Regan when he was President: "If he gets even more sedate, we will have to water him twice a week."

On a speech by right-wing Pat Buchanan: "It probably sounded better in the original German."

Here's one from years ago that applies to today's foreign policy: "The first rule of holes: when you're in one, stop digging."

She could really go to town on Dubya: "Everyone knows the man has no clue, but no one there has the courage to say it. I mean, good gawd, the man is as he always has been: barely adequate."

Or, "Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention.”

"What stuns me most about contemporary politics is not even that the system has been so badly corrupted by money. It is that so few people get the connection between their lives and what the bozos do in Washington and our state capitols."

This is from her last column, written 3 weeks before she died:
"We are the people who run this country. We are the deciders. And every single day, every single one of us needs to step outside and take some action to help stop this war. Raise hell. Think of something to make the ridiculous look ridiculous. Make our troops know we're for them and trying to get them out of there."

Take a look at that last quote again: "Think of something to make the ridiculous look ridiculous" - I'm not sure if Molly Ivins ever read Assimilated Press.

But, I bet she would have liked it.

6:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Miller will also be able to apply for re-certification of his comedy license if he is able to prove at a later date that he is capable of being funny or relevant."

He was barely funny when he WAS funny. And he may become slightly funny at some time in the future, but he'll never be relevant.

And besides, the dude has tiny hands. Nuff said.


9:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What I would like to say about Dennis Miller, I can't, because this is a family column.

However, he's shown the medicinal qualities of blowing, hasn't he. and I mean chunks!

9:29 PM  

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