Tuesday, May 15, 2007

The Anarchist Manifesto

Omaha, Nebraska - The International Society of Anarchists (ISA) today released their first officially sanctioned manifesto. This heavily anticipated document was introduced by the executive director of the ISA, Colleen Jones, who said "Anarchists the world over have long had to struggle without an official manifesto or rule book. This has led to untold difficulties for our members who did not know the correct way to conduct themselves on a daily basis. This manifesto, which was agreed to unanimously by the entire board of directors, now gives all of us guidance on how to live our lives as anarchists and removes the awful specter of uncertainty that has plagued many of us."

As a service to the public, Assimilated Press has published the new Anarchist Manifesto in its entirety below.


It is hereby resolved that:

Breakfast shall be eaten in the evening, dinner in the morning and lunch after midnight but before sunrise.

Shirts shall be buttoned in the wrong buttonholes and shoelaces untied. Socks may be worn but only on Halloween and Valentine's Day.

Logos, statements, quotes and other personal expressions on items of clothing must be pre-approved by the International Society of Anarchists and a licensing fee paid by check or credit card.

Guitars shall remain untuned at all times and bongos must be struck with clenched fists and not open hands. Use of the tambourine is strictly prohibited.

Paper currency will no longer be recognized as legal tender as all exchanges of commodities and services will now be based on units of chocolate, peanut butter, and coffee.

Time will no longer be measured in seconds, hours, days and weeks but by the mating cycle of the Peruvian fruit fly.

Every third born child shall be called Tiffany whether a boy or girl.

The preferred toppings for pizza are pineapple, cherries and frog legs. Use of pepperoni is discouraged and may result in a substantial fine.

Every new Peruvian fruit fly cycle will begin with the singing of the Anarchists' Anthem, a short chant, and a soft boiled egg.


Anonymous Mountain Man said...

Really funny in so many ways. If only more people could laugh at themselves this would be a better planet. Thanks, Virt.

10:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How many "mating cycle of the Peruvian fruit fly" it took you to come up with this and other recent worthless pieces of crap? You are getting out of steam, Virt. Look around you: you'll find plenty of subjects to turn your pseudo-satire into something that anyone can at least smile at.

11:40 AM  
Anonymous pinko said...

Anonymous Poster Ridicules AP

An anonymous poster today took issue with what he or she perceived to be "worthless pieces of crap" on the AP site and claimed also that AP editor Virt was "out of steam."

A. Poster, of the Laboratory Of Society's Ectoparasitic* Ranters (LOSER), has done extensive research on the inability of certain people on the web to simply choose another site when irritated.

Most people, when they find themselves not amused, simply look elsewhere for fun, just like changing the channel when watching television. However, some people will sit for hours in front of boringly stupid sitcom reruns, which are so lousy they require a laugh-track so the watcher knows when to smile, as the material alone will not prompt amusement. This watching habit will be replicated throughout the watcher's lifetime, adding up to years of non-funniness.

During this time, not only is the watcher not really amused, but every few minutes someone tries to sell him something. In many cases the watcher also pays for cable to bring the channel into his house. In this way he is investing both money and time in non-funniness. This, for some reason, does not provoke any action or comment from the watcher towards the television network, the cable company, the televison show writers, executives, actors, or anyone connected to the advertisers.

Yet, amazingly, once on a computer while visiting a free site, which is not trying to sell him anything, rather than "changing the channel" the anonymous ranter will unload all his (it's usually a he) frustrations regarding this FREE entertainment, that takes only a FEW MINUTES out of his day, and that HE CAN LEAVE AT ANY TIME with a mere click of a mouse.

And, on top of that, his comments about being un-funny are not funny.

So there. {:-r

*ectoparasitic -adj. 1. Behaving as a parasite that lives on the outside of its host. 2. Enjoying the fruit of other peoples' time and effort for free without giving anything back and then complaining what you are getting is no good. See "anonymous."

5:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are perfectly correct, Pinko, as usual.

I don't understand the comment, anyway. I always visit the Assimilated Press for its insightful news stories, to keep me informed and ahead of the curve. I've told all of my friends about it and they also find it informative and delightful in every way.

Some people would complain if they were hung with a new rope, as my daddy used to say. Keep up the good reporting, Virt! (and Pinko!)

6:03 PM  
Anonymous Homeland Security said...

Pinko, I agree. Hope both of you keep up the good work.

10:36 PM  

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