Cheney Burns Constitution As Federalist Society Cheers

Washington, D.C. - A gathering of lawyers who make up a group known as the Federalist Society met this week for their national convention in Washington. This relatively new organization of ultra-conservative lawyers was created and funded by the Heritage Foundation and the American Enterprise Institute. Their goal is to provide financial support and career opportunities for individuals who will swear their eternal allegiance to the organization and promise to issue rulings that are favorable to their patrons once they have been installed onto the judiciary.

Justice Samuel Alito, the latest member of the Federalist Society to be placed on the Supreme Court, was one of the featured speakers at the meeting. Alito said that it was only a matter of time before the United States totally rejected the Constitution and returned to Biblical law as God meant the country to be ruled. Alito then praised the concept of the Unitary Executive and said that he favors the kind of government that Franco ran in Spain. He also had kind words for Mussolini for what he called "his innovative approach to corporate governance."

However, the real crowd pleaser was Vice President Dick Cheney who closed the Federalist gathering by setting fire to a copy of the Constitution as the entire room burst into applause. Said Cheney, "The Constitution is a piece of elitist crap that is only good for lighting cigars or starting a fire to cook some steaks and freshly shot game birds."

Cheney then held up the Bible in one hand and the bylaws for Halliburton in the other as he bellowed to the audience, "From now on, these are America's governing documents."

When asked to comment on the statements made by Justice Alito and Vice President Cheney, President Bush replied, "I don't know who this Mussolini fellow is but I love Franco's SpaghettiOs."