Drunken Scalia Begs Nation For Forgiveness

Enid, Oklahoma - Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, in town to address a national gathering of the Federalist Society, probably wishes he had stayed home instead. According to several eyewitnesses, the evening began to take a turn for the worse when Scalia engaged in heavy drinking at the festivities that followed the meeting. Apparently, after his sixth or seventh Jack Daniel's, the Supreme Court justice became increasingly belligerent and finally stormed out of the convention center when a cocktail waitress refused his advances.

Several hours later, Enid City Police found his abandoned rental car smashed against a light pole and immediately began a city-wide search to find the intoxicated jurist before he harmed himself or anyone else. Their search came to an end a short time later when they found Scalia on the steps of the Church of St. Francis waving his arms wildly and shouting at a group of people gathered on the street.

According to the police report, Scalia was asking these strangers for absolution for his sins against the Constitution and the people of America that resulted from his guiding role in the Bush versus Gore decision. As tears ran freely down his face, Scalia said, "I thought putting George W. Bush in the White House was my duty as a Republican and a Christian. I was so, so wrong. I put my own partisan beliefs above the Constitution and betrayed the country. Forgive me. Please, forgive me."

No charges have been filed against Justice Scalia and there has been no comment from the White House concerning his public outburst.