Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Kiefer Sutherland & Ann Coulter Wed

Malibu, California - In a marriage made in Republican heaven, television actor Kiefer Sutherland and conservative columnist Ann Coulter were married in a private ceremony overlooking the ocean. Presiding over the solemn vows was Sutherland's best friend, Berkeley law professor John Yoo.

Yoo, who based most of his legal opinions justifying and institutionalizing American use of torture on Sutherland's portrayal of Jack Bauer in the FOX hit series 24, said "I love Kiefer like a brother. He has not only shown me how silly and outmoded the Geneva Conventions are but he has also had an impact on many movers and shakers in government like Dick Cheney and Antonin Scalia who now realize that torture is as American as cattle prods and waterboarding. I mean, how could you not be impressed with Jack Bauer? Here is a US government agent who can torture his victims with glee while scrambling eggs and making waffles for breakfast. Now, that's what I call leadership."

Also in attendance were Coulter's friends from her brief movie career, Clarence Thomas, Rush Limbaugh and Joe Lieberman. The couple is planning to honeymoon in Guantanamo where they can engage in some recreational activities while helping to extract confessions and make some great home videos.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought Ann Coulter was a man in drag? Is Kiefer gay? No, don't tell me--I don't need that much information.


12:21 PM  

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